Monday, December 14, 2009
Wine, Goddammit
I feel I've made a radical transformation in the last half year. I've become collected, calm, assured. Not the assuredness I carried 2 years ago (Jebus, really?), which was a cockiness built on momentary greatness, but one that is a comfortableness in my current phase in life. And I hate it. I hate that I'm happy. I hate that when I feel the most productive, the most in tune with nature, with the world, with that inner poet, is when I am the most morose, the most despondent. In my happiness I have the tools to take on the world. In my sadness I have the will. The two never come together.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A Response to "The Story of Cap-and-Trade"
While Grist did it better, I thought I should give my own thoughts to this silly little video (response not edited for grammar or spelling whatsoever).
Despite my position as an advocate for the current climate change/clean energy legislation in the Senate, I, like many on this list-serv, have problems with the legislation as written. One would have to be quite blind not to see that there aren't many inherent weaknesses in this bill that will need to be addressed--whether that be during the senate debate over this bill, or in subsequent legislation to strengthen the US's response to global warming. I've heard much about this cartoon "The Story of Cap and Trade," and considering Annie Leonard's great work in Story of Stuff, I was expecting a thoughtful contribution to the discussion over this legislation, and perhaps some concrete ideas on how to improve the senate's efforts.
To my dismay, Miss Leonard's criticisms on the current bill are either so vague as to be discounted entirely, or completely off base.
Claim 1 (at about 1:05 in the video): She starts the cartoon with perhaps the most asinine argument of the whole video: carbon markets are bad, and are a nefarious scheme of financial demons. Paraphrased: Enron and Goldman Sachs designed cap-and-trade, and are making huge claims to lure your "everyone and their grandmother in" and then are going to burst this new economic bubble and ruin us all.
First off--where are her sources that Goldman Sachs and Enron designed this program? Enron certainly pushed (in the early 90's) for deregulating energy markets, and had a big hand in decoupling a lot of energy commodities from the producers in order to make them a tradeable commodity. Part of that deregulation they abused to the great horror of this nation. Part of that decoupling has produced enormous gains in energy efficiency throughout California. NONE of this has anything to do with the current legislation, nor has Enron, an essentially defunct corporation--had a hand in authoring current climate change legislation. Goldman Sachs is certainly researching how to trade on any new carbon market--just as they did in with the Sulfur Dioxide market in the 90's (which worked quite well)--because that's what banks do. Their research into it doesn't somehow mean that they are a creating a nefarious plot on the backs of climate legislation to screw over grandma. Her entire first argument seems to be to throw around scare words--enron, goldman sachs, scam, subprime mortgages, market--wave her hands suggestively, and voila carbon trading is bad. In fact her whole first argument seems to be just an implied idea that markets in general are bad, despite the hundreds of stable, well policed commodity markets we have in the U.S. and around the world. Or is somehow a market for carbon uniquely bad compared to other markets? The best line in this argument is "...creating a $3 trillion dollar bubble. But when this one bursts, it won't just take down our stock portfolios, it could take down everything." How? And where is the proof that this commodity market is inherently inclined to burst? Her argument in this sector, and throughout the cartoon, is to call cap-and-trade a racket or scam, without truly explaining how it is, in fact, a racket or a scam. But hey, repeat the words enough and they must be true.
Claim 2: (Summarily) Cap-and-Trade didn't work in Europe:
Except that it did. The market in Europe had a rocky start--no one can deny that. Any America's will probably have a rocky start too. Almost any new system will. Still, carbon output in Europe is down between 3 and 5% (depending on the source) or about 100 billion tons a year.
Claim 3 (about minute 4:00): Permit giveaways are bad and (implied) are only benefiting the polluters.
Yes, permit giveaways are bad from a pure standpoint of bringing down carbon production. However one of the reasons many of the permits have been given away has been to keep energy prices stable (a thing that Ms. Leonard herself seems to want). In the Waxman-Markey bill, 80% of the permits given away are for consumer and public protection. The other 20%? Pretty much corporate giveaways that really shouldn't be tolerated. You can argue all you want over whether or not permits should be given away, and how much these giveaways really protect consumers. In fact, I'll probably side with the idea that we shouldn't give them away 90% of the time. However, don't mischaracterize these give-aways as nefarious plots and schemes by goldman sachs and corporate polluters. Except for that othe 20%...criticize that all you want.
Through all this, she criticizes that energy prices went up under cap-and-trade in Europe. Keep that in mind when she explore her solutions.
Where her argument should be--and the truth of the matter is--is that the giveaways that are bad are the result of a very powerful, very well connected oil, coal, and energy industry. Scrapping this bill and starting anew will do nothing to reduce these industries power. Any bill we produce is going to be weakened, watered down by industries that have near complete access to our legislators. If a weakened bill means we shouldn't pass anything then we are never going to pass a bill. It seems like a bitter pill to swallow, and one that Miss Leonard refuses. However that refusal will mean we will never have climate change legislation. A better tactic is to pass the strongest possible bill, and as soon as that is passed start working towards strengthening it with new legislation, new amendments.
Claim 4 (min 4:45). We should sell those permits and put the money to work to stop climate change.
I don't have an argument against the idea of selling the permits. What I have a problem with is her implication that giving away permits raised energy prices (bad) and lined the pockets of carbon-traders (bad). Instead we should sell the permits...which will somehow not raise energy prices like the giveaways did, and won't raise a profit for the carbon traders. Selling permits will give a greater jumpstart to carbon reduction, but won't solve any of investment problems she's announced. And her other legislative proposals (such as cap and dividend), while quite good ideas, are still subject to that powerful oil, coal, and energy lobby from above. They would be weakened just like our cap-and-trade legislation. The problem isn't inherent in cap-and-trade, as she seems to imply, but in our political system.
Claim 5 (min 6:45ish): Offsets are bad.
Annie Leonard isn't the only one I know to use this line of argument. She takes anecdotal evidence of abuse (and there will be abuse--just like there is abuse in any system, no matter how perfect), and conflates these anecdotes with offsets in general, and then claims offsets as a whole are bad. I know of a man whose car was hit by a train. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt, was thrown from the car and lived. The rest of the passengers in the car perished. Does this mean seatbelts are bad? Of course not. His story was unique and can't be applied to the whole system. In reality, the idea of offsets, and the system that will be created to utilize them, is extremely complex. There will be abuses, but there will be a lot of gains. A lot of the success or failure of offsets will rely on the stringency of legislation governing offsets (which in Waxman-Markey are suprisingly stringent) and the development and implementation of technology to govern the offsets. Due to satellite imagine, and desktop programs like Google Earth, the ability to monitor offset programs (such as forest preservation in Brazil) has made leaps and bounds in the last few years, and is well suited to effectively monitor most type of offset programs. Abuses will slip through the cracks, and some of those abuses will be quite bad, but that does not make the entire system bad or cap-and-trade meaningless.
Claim 6 (Minute 7:10): Cap-and-trade distracts from 'real solutions.'
What solutions where? To be fair, there are of course many solutions out there. But Ms. Leonard just decries this 'distraction' and then fails to point out any 'real solution' in her final argument. She does mention a cap, but doesn't point out how a cap is more or less effective then CAP-and-trade.
"We are not even close to a global cap on carbon to begin with, and duh, that is the whole point of cap-and trade." Global cap: no. National cap? Yes (albeit one that needs to be stronger). And the whole point of cap and trade isn't to figure out a global cap, its to implement a system that, once the cap is establish, can work towards reaching that goal.
"We don't need to let these guys design the solution. We, us, our governments can make the laws ourselves." Again, how is this different than what has happened? Did not the bills she is criticizing come from the legislative process (nefarious Goldman Sachs implications aside)? How will some other bill (cap and dividend, carbon tax, whatever) come through the legislative process fully strong and ready to fight pollution?
[paraphrased]"The EPA can regulate carbon. Go EPA Go!" The EPA is part of the executive branch, is meant to execute laws on the books, and is subject to change in the way it executes laws based on the administration in power. Personally, I'd rather have laws in place that mandate that carbon be reduced, rather then letting a branch of the executive power decided how and when it should regulate carbon. Remember how effective the EPA was under Bush? ACES did remove the power of the EPA to regulate carbon. That was unfortunate, and should be changed. Guess what? The senate bill restores their power.
“Cap-and-trade makes citizens think everything will be OK if we just drive a little less, change our light bulbs, and let These Guys do the rest.” I'm at a loss as to how anyone could possibly claim this. I wish I could make a more coherent argument, but this quote is absolutely asinine and befuddling. Does she have any sources to back up this wild claim?
The real problem with the bill on the table is that our legislative process is incredibly complex, often at the whim of powerful interest groups, and is full of legislators who are, quite simply, idiots (Inhofe anyone?). However, scrapping the current legislation won't change any of that. If Miss Leonard were to make a cartoon taking on this problem, the real problem, I would probably be completely behind her. Instead she sees problems with cap-and-trade, problems that most people see, exaggerates them, then surmises that there are wonderful solutions out there that we just aren't looking at. I have news for her--they have been looked at. Even the authors of these 'distracting' bills want them in place. The problem is, at this moment in time a carbon tax, or heavy carbon fees, just aren't politically possible. Instead, the authors have weakened the carbon cap, and have put a weaker mechanism in place. But while doing that, they have simultaneously:
-Mandated a Renewable energy standard--80% renewable (that's solar, wind, geothermal, hydrological stop, and biofuels) by 2050
-Mandated baseline energy efficiency standards in ALL new residential and commercial buildings
-Created HUGE tax incentives to weatherize homes and businesses.
-Set aside $30 billion to create a modern, efficient, electrical 'super' grid. This number is only set to grow with the subsequent sale of carbon permits (yes, carbon permits are to be sold, just after the initial giveaway).
All these programs--especially the supergrid and the renewable energy standards--would seem to be 'real' solutions to our crisis, yes Miss Leonard misses that these components are in the very bill she dismisses.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long response.
Sincerely,
N
Despite my position as an advocate for the current climate change/clean energy legislation in the Senate, I, like many on this list-serv, have problems with the legislation as written. One would have to be quite blind not to see that there aren't many inherent weaknesses in this bill that will need to be addressed--whether that be during the senate debate over this bill, or in subsequent legislation to strengthen the US's response to global warming. I've heard much about this cartoon "The Story of Cap and Trade," and considering Annie Leonard's great work in Story of Stuff, I was expecting a thoughtful contribution to the discussion over this legislation, and perhaps some concrete ideas on how to improve the senate's efforts.
To my dismay, Miss Leonard's criticisms on the current bill are either so vague as to be discounted entirely, or completely off base.
Claim 1 (at about 1:05 in the video): She starts the cartoon with perhaps the most asinine argument of the whole video: carbon markets are bad, and are a nefarious scheme of financial demons. Paraphrased: Enron and Goldman Sachs designed cap-and-trade, and are making huge claims to lure your "everyone and their grandmother in" and then are going to burst this new economic bubble and ruin us all.
First off--where are her sources that Goldman Sachs and Enron designed this program? Enron certainly pushed (in the early 90's) for deregulating energy markets, and had a big hand in decoupling a lot of energy commodities from the producers in order to make them a tradeable commodity. Part of that deregulation they abused to the great horror of this nation. Part of that decoupling has produced enormous gains in energy efficiency throughout California. NONE of this has anything to do with the current legislation, nor has Enron, an essentially defunct corporation--had a hand in authoring current climate change legislation. Goldman Sachs is certainly researching how to trade on any new carbon market--just as they did in with the Sulfur Dioxide market in the 90's (which worked quite well)--because that's what banks do. Their research into it doesn't somehow mean that they are a creating a nefarious plot on the backs of climate legislation to screw over grandma. Her entire first argument seems to be to throw around scare words--enron, goldman sachs, scam, subprime mortgages, market--wave her hands suggestively, and voila carbon trading is bad. In fact her whole first argument seems to be just an implied idea that markets in general are bad, despite the hundreds of stable, well policed commodity markets we have in the U.S. and around the world. Or is somehow a market for carbon uniquely bad compared to other markets? The best line in this argument is "...creating a $3 trillion dollar bubble. But when this one bursts, it won't just take down our stock portfolios, it could take down everything." How? And where is the proof that this commodity market is inherently inclined to burst? Her argument in this sector, and throughout the cartoon, is to call cap-and-trade a racket or scam, without truly explaining how it is, in fact, a racket or a scam. But hey, repeat the words enough and they must be true.
Claim 2: (Summarily) Cap-and-Trade didn't work in Europe:
Except that it did. The market in Europe had a rocky start--no one can deny that. Any America's will probably have a rocky start too. Almost any new system will. Still, carbon output in Europe is down between 3 and 5% (depending on the source) or about 100 billion tons a year.
Claim 3 (about minute 4:00): Permit giveaways are bad and (implied) are only benefiting the polluters.
Yes, permit giveaways are bad from a pure standpoint of bringing down carbon production. However one of the reasons many of the permits have been given away has been to keep energy prices stable (a thing that Ms. Leonard herself seems to want). In the Waxman-Markey bill, 80% of the permits given away are for consumer and public protection. The other 20%? Pretty much corporate giveaways that really shouldn't be tolerated. You can argue all you want over whether or not permits should be given away, and how much these giveaways really protect consumers. In fact, I'll probably side with the idea that we shouldn't give them away 90% of the time. However, don't mischaracterize these give-aways as nefarious plots and schemes by goldman sachs and corporate polluters. Except for that othe 20%...criticize that all you want.
Through all this, she criticizes that energy prices went up under cap-and-trade in Europe. Keep that in mind when she explore her solutions.
Where her argument should be--and the truth of the matter is--is that the giveaways that are bad are the result of a very powerful, very well connected oil, coal, and energy industry. Scrapping this bill and starting anew will do nothing to reduce these industries power. Any bill we produce is going to be weakened, watered down by industries that have near complete access to our legislators. If a weakened bill means we shouldn't pass anything then we are never going to pass a bill. It seems like a bitter pill to swallow, and one that Miss Leonard refuses. However that refusal will mean we will never have climate change legislation. A better tactic is to pass the strongest possible bill, and as soon as that is passed start working towards strengthening it with new legislation, new amendments.
Claim 4 (min 4:45). We should sell those permits and put the money to work to stop climate change.
I don't have an argument against the idea of selling the permits. What I have a problem with is her implication that giving away permits raised energy prices (bad) and lined the pockets of carbon-traders (bad). Instead we should sell the permits...which will somehow not raise energy prices like the giveaways did, and won't raise a profit for the carbon traders. Selling permits will give a greater jumpstart to carbon reduction, but won't solve any of investment problems she's announced. And her other legislative proposals (such as cap and dividend), while quite good ideas, are still subject to that powerful oil, coal, and energy lobby from above. They would be weakened just like our cap-and-trade legislation. The problem isn't inherent in cap-and-trade, as she seems to imply, but in our political system.
Claim 5 (min 6:45ish): Offsets are bad.
Annie Leonard isn't the only one I know to use this line of argument. She takes anecdotal evidence of abuse (and there will be abuse--just like there is abuse in any system, no matter how perfect), and conflates these anecdotes with offsets in general, and then claims offsets as a whole are bad. I know of a man whose car was hit by a train. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt, was thrown from the car and lived. The rest of the passengers in the car perished. Does this mean seatbelts are bad? Of course not. His story was unique and can't be applied to the whole system. In reality, the idea of offsets, and the system that will be created to utilize them, is extremely complex. There will be abuses, but there will be a lot of gains. A lot of the success or failure of offsets will rely on the stringency of legislation governing offsets (which in Waxman-Markey are suprisingly stringent) and the development and implementation of technology to govern the offsets. Due to satellite imagine, and desktop programs like Google Earth, the ability to monitor offset programs (such as forest preservation in Brazil) has made leaps and bounds in the last few years, and is well suited to effectively monitor most type of offset programs. Abuses will slip through the cracks, and some of those abuses will be quite bad, but that does not make the entire system bad or cap-and-trade meaningless.
Claim 6 (Minute 7:10): Cap-and-trade distracts from 'real solutions.'
What solutions where? To be fair, there are of course many solutions out there. But Ms. Leonard just decries this 'distraction' and then fails to point out any 'real solution' in her final argument. She does mention a cap, but doesn't point out how a cap is more or less effective then CAP-and-trade.
"We are not even close to a global cap on carbon to begin with, and duh, that is the whole point of cap-and trade." Global cap: no. National cap? Yes (albeit one that needs to be stronger). And the whole point of cap and trade isn't to figure out a global cap, its to implement a system that, once the cap is establish, can work towards reaching that goal.
"We don't need to let these guys design the solution. We, us, our governments can make the laws ourselves." Again, how is this different than what has happened? Did not the bills she is criticizing come from the legislative process (nefarious Goldman Sachs implications aside)? How will some other bill (cap and dividend, carbon tax, whatever) come through the legislative process fully strong and ready to fight pollution?
[paraphrased]"The EPA can regulate carbon. Go EPA Go!" The EPA is part of the executive branch, is meant to execute laws on the books, and is subject to change in the way it executes laws based on the administration in power. Personally, I'd rather have laws in place that mandate that carbon be reduced, rather then letting a branch of the executive power decided how and when it should regulate carbon. Remember how effective the EPA was under Bush? ACES did remove the power of the EPA to regulate carbon. That was unfortunate, and should be changed. Guess what? The senate bill restores their power.
“Cap-and-trade makes citizens think everything will be OK if we just drive a little less, change our light bulbs, and let These Guys do the rest.” I'm at a loss as to how anyone could possibly claim this. I wish I could make a more coherent argument, but this quote is absolutely asinine and befuddling. Does she have any sources to back up this wild claim?
The real problem with the bill on the table is that our legislative process is incredibly complex, often at the whim of powerful interest groups, and is full of legislators who are, quite simply, idiots (Inhofe anyone?). However, scrapping the current legislation won't change any of that. If Miss Leonard were to make a cartoon taking on this problem, the real problem, I would probably be completely behind her. Instead she sees problems with cap-and-trade, problems that most people see, exaggerates them, then surmises that there are wonderful solutions out there that we just aren't looking at. I have news for her--they have been looked at. Even the authors of these 'distracting' bills want them in place. The problem is, at this moment in time a carbon tax, or heavy carbon fees, just aren't politically possible. Instead, the authors have weakened the carbon cap, and have put a weaker mechanism in place. But while doing that, they have simultaneously:
-Mandated a Renewable energy standard--80% renewable (that's solar, wind, geothermal, hydrological stop, and biofuels) by 2050
-Mandated baseline energy efficiency standards in ALL new residential and commercial buildings
-Created HUGE tax incentives to weatherize homes and businesses.
-Set aside $30 billion to create a modern, efficient, electrical 'super' grid. This number is only set to grow with the subsequent sale of carbon permits (yes, carbon permits are to be sold, just after the initial giveaway).
All these programs--especially the supergrid and the renewable energy standards--would seem to be 'real' solutions to our crisis, yes Miss Leonard misses that these components are in the very bill she dismisses.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long response.
Sincerely,
N
Friday, July 10, 2009
This is how we scam you.
You know what's been bothering me for the past few years? Three times now I've been contacted by an African prince, or an African bank executive, with the promise of untold riches.
Thrice I've been bilked out of my entire savings, and the princes have YET to contact me!
Well, I hope those bastards fall for this! I saw it on a Somalian website:
Thrice I've been bilked out of my entire savings, and the princes have YET to contact me!
Well, I hope those bastards fall for this! I saw it on a Somalian website:
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Commercial Idea #1
Scene: A guy walking through the cracker aisle at a grocery store. He stops a clerk and asks for CHEEZ-ITS. The clerk hands him CHEESE-NIPS. The customer proceeds to pummel the clerk with his shopping basket. Close-up on the customer's face. As blood splatters across his brow, he yells "NIP THIS!" Cut to the Cheez-Its logo, and the words "Cheese Nips? Go fuck yourself."
I should be an advertising executive.
New Commercial Idea: A guy walking through the cracker aisle at a grocery store. He stops a clerk and asks for CHEEZ-ITS. The clerk hands him CHEESE-NIPS. The customer proceeds to pummel the clerk with his shopping basket. Close-up on the customer's face. As blood splatters across his brow, he yells "NIP THIS!" Cut to the Cheez-Its logo, and the words "Cheese Nips? Go fuck yourself."
Anyone want to film this with me?
Anyone want to film this with me?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Interesting
Shell Oil is in a legal battle right now for murder. I've been following the case on and off--there is a lot of rhetoric on each side that is suspect at times--but it's been a fairly interesting case. And one whose ending we can probably all predict. Anyway, here's a quick mini-documentary about the circumstances of the murder. If you have 8 minutes, please check it out.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Numbers
Headline today:
UN Says Sri Lankan Death Toll Too High [Note: Headline has since changed.]
Apparently the UN has an acceptable number of civilian deaths in a safety zone?
UN Says Sri Lankan Death Toll Too High [Note: Headline has since changed.]
Apparently the UN has an acceptable number of civilian deaths in a safety zone?
Thursday, May 21, 2009
My Baby
After 8 months, my city-wide composting recommendation has finally moved from subcommittee to executive committee. If the response from the subcommittee is any indication, I think it will be readily accepted by the full committee, followed by implementation of full policy.
It may be boring for most, but it's awesome to me. Here's the fruit that 8-months, and reams of research will produce:
WMR Rec WM-11 Final
It may be boring for most, but it's awesome to me. Here's the fruit that 8-months, and reams of research will produce:
WMR Rec WM-11 Final
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
*sigh*
I get exaggerating to make a story better. I do it, my friends do it, my coworkers do it...safe to say probably every does it. And I get people who embellish statistics to support their cause in an impromptu, oral argument. However, show a little respect and at least embellish within the realm of plausibility. And if you really have no idea what you are talking about whatsoever, don't talk. One more thing--if your statistics can be so easily checked as to open the daily newspaper--any daily newspaper--and see what you are saying is bullshit, then please choose another tactic.
Quotes from my boss today:
"My husband's title one school [i.e. very poor] has just atrocious drug use. Fourth graders shoot up heroin daily!"
My problems with this. One, I think if there was a school in an affluent city with 4th graders shooting up heroin daily, there would probably be at least a news report. Two, if this is true, and the teachers all know it, why isn't it being reported? Three, the freshman in this office is believing this. And four, current street price of heroin is just under $90 a gram. What 4th grader from a title one school, in piss-poor neighborhood, can afford heroin daily? Jesus, if you know nothing about drugs, don't say anything! And if you are going to make something up, at least use something plausible, like methamphetamine or crack cocaine. Really, does anyone use heroin anymore? I thought that shit died out with Kurt Cobain.
"There are knifings there daily! Daily!"
I'll suspend my disbelief that many elementary school children shiv each other daily for now. Let's look at the daily, weekly, monthly, and annual police and hospital reports for knifings, shall we?
Interesting...no reports from this or any other elementary school. There was one report from one high school in the past year. So either she's saying that all these knifings go unreported by the teachers (including her husband), or she's making this up. Again, the office workers seem to eat it up. I really hate this last part. I could deal with the...exaggerations...by simply ignoring her. But by her painting this picture that doesn't exist, and having younger students believe her, she is planting the seeds of fear of a general populace. There is already a problem with students here refusing to see any part of Charleston besides downtown Charleston and the beach. Our office is the office that's supposed to be tearing down those barriers, yet she's unintentionally building them among the very workers who are supposed to be above that.
"I grew up in a tiny town."
She lived in the suburbs of New York. Her dad worked in the city. She recently stated her parents were selling their old house for a million+ [although with her, this could be complete bullshit.] Her neighbors were Whoopi Gullberg, Kevin Bacon, and Jane Curtain. I hate people who try to build a false past to suit their needs. She only mentions her rural past if she's either talking about how she had to work hard to get ahead, explaining why she lacks a knowledge in a subject ("I never knew how to do this when I was growing up! I had to figure it out on my own! You don't learn much like this growing up in a small town!"), or to build a false sense of experience.
My entire county had a population less than 10,000, the closest actual city was 70 miles away, with only rural highways connecting us. Even the closest large town was 30 miles away. And yet I've never used that background to explain away a deficiency of mine. In fact, I don't consider it a deficiency, but a benefit to my upbringing. At the very least it allows me to differentiate myself from most people in this country. Growing up in a truly small town (and one of the poorest counties in the state) never inhibited my intellectual or personal growth. Of course I had parents that read to me, encouraged education, supported me, and I'm not trying to discount that. All I'm saying is that all things being equal (her parents also supported her), using your geographic past to dismiss shortcomings is cheap, especially with that past is a false one.
Quotes from my boss today:
"My husband's title one school [i.e. very poor] has just atrocious drug use. Fourth graders shoot up heroin daily!"
My problems with this. One, I think if there was a school in an affluent city with 4th graders shooting up heroin daily, there would probably be at least a news report. Two, if this is true, and the teachers all know it, why isn't it being reported? Three, the freshman in this office is believing this. And four, current street price of heroin is just under $90 a gram. What 4th grader from a title one school, in piss-poor neighborhood, can afford heroin daily? Jesus, if you know nothing about drugs, don't say anything! And if you are going to make something up, at least use something plausible, like methamphetamine or crack cocaine. Really, does anyone use heroin anymore? I thought that shit died out with Kurt Cobain.
"There are knifings there daily! Daily!"
I'll suspend my disbelief that many elementary school children shiv each other daily for now. Let's look at the daily, weekly, monthly, and annual police and hospital reports for knifings, shall we?
Interesting...no reports from this or any other elementary school. There was one report from one high school in the past year. So either she's saying that all these knifings go unreported by the teachers (including her husband), or she's making this up. Again, the office workers seem to eat it up. I really hate this last part. I could deal with the...exaggerations...by simply ignoring her. But by her painting this picture that doesn't exist, and having younger students believe her, she is planting the seeds of fear of a general populace. There is already a problem with students here refusing to see any part of Charleston besides downtown Charleston and the beach. Our office is the office that's supposed to be tearing down those barriers, yet she's unintentionally building them among the very workers who are supposed to be above that.
"I grew up in a tiny town."
She lived in the suburbs of New York. Her dad worked in the city. She recently stated her parents were selling their old house for a million+ [although with her, this could be complete bullshit.] Her neighbors were Whoopi Gullberg, Kevin Bacon, and Jane Curtain. I hate people who try to build a false past to suit their needs. She only mentions her rural past if she's either talking about how she had to work hard to get ahead, explaining why she lacks a knowledge in a subject ("I never knew how to do this when I was growing up! I had to figure it out on my own! You don't learn much like this growing up in a small town!"), or to build a false sense of experience.
My entire county had a population less than 10,000, the closest actual city was 70 miles away, with only rural highways connecting us. Even the closest large town was 30 miles away. And yet I've never used that background to explain away a deficiency of mine. In fact, I don't consider it a deficiency, but a benefit to my upbringing. At the very least it allows me to differentiate myself from most people in this country. Growing up in a truly small town (and one of the poorest counties in the state) never inhibited my intellectual or personal growth. Of course I had parents that read to me, encouraged education, supported me, and I'm not trying to discount that. All I'm saying is that all things being equal (her parents also supported her), using your geographic past to dismiss shortcomings is cheap, especially with that past is a false one.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Stimulating the Economy. Cajun Style.
Due to some major errors by the accounting department--such as paying people who don't exist large salaries out of my office's budget--my office has suddenly receive $12,000. Well not received...because that would imply we didn't have it to begin with. We...reclaimed $12,000. Here's the catch though. After an entire year of cutting costs like crazy, we now have less than 2 months to spend said $12,000 or--get this--our budget will be cut next year because we obviously don't need the money.
So we are stocking up on office supplies for the next 10 years. And by office supplies, I don't just mean paper and highlighters. I've ordered 3 laptops, a digital projector and screen, a scanner, and am looking for couches, conference tables, and a slew of other furniture.
That brings me up to $7,000. What to do with the next $5,000?
Today I proposed we buy:
-Office snuggies, embroidered with our logo.
-Shamwows for gift baskets to potential donors.
-Any amount of the following: OxiClean, Kaboom, Mighty Putty, the Awesome Auger, the Samurai Shark sharpener, Orange Glo, pedeggs, mighty mend-it, bedazzler, CLR, and Jupiter Jacks.
She rejected my proposal.
So we are stocking up on office supplies for the next 10 years. And by office supplies, I don't just mean paper and highlighters. I've ordered 3 laptops, a digital projector and screen, a scanner, and am looking for couches, conference tables, and a slew of other furniture.
That brings me up to $7,000. What to do with the next $5,000?
Today I proposed we buy:
-Office snuggies, embroidered with our logo.
-Shamwows for gift baskets to potential donors.
-Any amount of the following: OxiClean, Kaboom, Mighty Putty, the Awesome Auger, the Samurai Shark sharpener, Orange Glo, pedeggs, mighty mend-it, bedazzler, CLR, and Jupiter Jacks.
She rejected my proposal.
Great Minds think alike
If one were to ask me "Neil, name the parameters to make the perfect comedy." I would naturally reply "Take the director of old school, an alum or two from the daily show or the office, Las Vegas, and comedian Zack Galifinakis. Shake well."
If you were then to press me for some details of the movie to make it absolutely perfect, I would probably say "You need livestock, a baby getting whacked in the head by a police car, and Mike Tyson dancing to a Phil Collins tune."
It's like somebody read my soul:
If you were then to press me for some details of the movie to make it absolutely perfect, I would probably say "You need livestock, a baby getting whacked in the head by a police car, and Mike Tyson dancing to a Phil Collins tune."
It's like somebody read my soul:
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Fascinating
I've never really followed Maine's state politics closely. Surprised, right? Yeah, for some reason some state that's not an economic, cultural, military, or political powerhouse has escaped my attention. However, as a state that is probably next in line to try to legalize gay marriage, it has become rather interesting as of late.
Most current news...Maine's Governor, who has up until recently been opposed to the legalization of gay marriage (I think), is reviewing every email, letter, and phone call sent to his office about gay marriage. Furthermore, he is contacting random opposition voices.
http://www.pamshouseblend.com/diary/10699/an-unexpected-conversation-with-the-governor
If this is true...wow. While I know this process would be infeasible as an everyday policy apparatus, kudos to Baldacci for taking the time to understand his fellow citizen's ideas on the subject, and not just his own. It's easy to talk to someone who agrees with you on the subject. It takes guts to call up random dissenters and chew the fat on a rather touchy subject.
Most current news...Maine's Governor, who has up until recently been opposed to the legalization of gay marriage (I think), is reviewing every email, letter, and phone call sent to his office about gay marriage. Furthermore, he is contacting random opposition voices.
http://www.pamshouseblend.com/diary/10699/an-unexpected-conversation-with-the-governor
If this is true...wow. While I know this process would be infeasible as an everyday policy apparatus, kudos to Baldacci for taking the time to understand his fellow citizen's ideas on the subject, and not just his own. It's easy to talk to someone who agrees with you on the subject. It takes guts to call up random dissenters and chew the fat on a rather touchy subject.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Things I Hate.
1. The word 'basically.' You can use it one of two ways:
The first means you believe the person(s) you are addressing is such an idiot that the knowledge you are about to share is much too complicated for his or her infinitesimal brain and therefore you are watering it down to a level suitable to your ape-like intellect:
'Basically, you mentally deficient chipmunk, Citizen Kane is about a newspaper man and his sled.' No, its simultaneously a tribute and criticism to the life of William Randolph Hearst; and it's a testimony to the way money and power can slowly degrade a man's soul, until that person would be unrecognizable to the young child he once was. See? That wasn't that hard. And not one use of the word 'basically.'
The second way, is it's used in the vastly more irritating manner of saying "basically" and then detailing everything you needed to say anyway. 'Basically, a wormhole is as a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that is fundamentally a 'shortcut' through space and time, which can be viewed as a 2D surface that, when 'folded' over..." [editor's note: That's from wikipedia. Like I know what the fuck a wormhole is, other than that cool open-y thing on Deep Space Nine.] That's not a basic description, is it?
2. The word 'pickle.' Try to say it without sounding like a pedophile.
3.Gary Busey. Nick Nolte.
4. Celebrity filled tribute concerts. Instead of using a small city's worth of electricity in your concert meant to 'save the rainforest,' whatevertf that means, how 'bout you go out and plant a tree? Or use the MILLIONS of dollars it took to put on that concert, and buy a tract of rainforest that you can actually protect. You're raising awareness? Raise this [editor's note: I just grabbed my crotch.]
5. The phrase "Apples to Oranges," meaning 'incomparable." Since when has the english language become so confined that you can't compare apples to oranges?
Apples are a red, green, or yellow fruit with a thin, crisp skin, and an inside, or 'meat,' that is sweet, slightly grainy, and dry in comparison to oranges. Also they can be made into pies. Oranges, my friends, are an orange [or reddish yellow, if you are going to make an argument against tautology] colored citrus fruit with a very thick skin and a meat that is watery, cellular, and a bit tart. If you try to make these into pies, you'll get a disgusting slop. However if you squeeze a peeled orange over a bottle, you get a delicious juice. Squeeze an apple over said bottle, you get strained fingers.
Apples and Oranges = Compared.
6. People who defend Michael Bay with "he knows how to shoot an action scene." Yeah? So do these guys:
7. Michael Bay. God help me if you get your grubby little mitts on a Thundercats or Zelda script. You stay the fuck away from Link, do you hear me??
8. People who are famous for no discernable reason. No I'm not talking about the Paris Hiltons of the world. She has a reason--she's a trampy ho bag at whose grotesqueness we can stare for hours. Man that was a poorly constructed sentence. Anyway, no I'm talking about people whose names I don't even recognize until they are hosting SNL, or in the news for some stupid comment they made that has made everyone's panties bunch up. I'm talking to you, Perez Hilton and Zac Efron.
9. People who casually use the phrase "honestly" or "to be honest with you." You either are implying you are normally a pathological liar, e.g. this guy:
Or you sound like a salesman.
"Usually I'm a sack of shit, Neil, but today I wanted to give you a really special deal. The Firestone Tires credit card will save you $50 on this purchase, and--now remember most things that come out of my mouth are libelous filth, but not today--it's really about your financial security."
10. Improper use of quotation marks. At a store I once worked at, there was a sign that said:
"Fresh" Limes.
The first means you believe the person(s) you are addressing is such an idiot that the knowledge you are about to share is much too complicated for his or her infinitesimal brain and therefore you are watering it down to a level suitable to your ape-like intellect:
'Basically, you mentally deficient chipmunk, Citizen Kane is about a newspaper man and his sled.' No, its simultaneously a tribute and criticism to the life of William Randolph Hearst; and it's a testimony to the way money and power can slowly degrade a man's soul, until that person would be unrecognizable to the young child he once was. See? That wasn't that hard. And not one use of the word 'basically.'
The second way, is it's used in the vastly more irritating manner of saying "basically" and then detailing everything you needed to say anyway. 'Basically, a wormhole is as a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that is fundamentally a 'shortcut' through space and time, which can be viewed as a 2D surface that, when 'folded' over..." [editor's note: That's from wikipedia. Like I know what the fuck a wormhole is, other than that cool open-y thing on Deep Space Nine.] That's not a basic description, is it?
2. The word 'pickle.' Try to say it without sounding like a pedophile.
3.
4. Celebrity filled tribute concerts. Instead of using a small city's worth of electricity in your concert meant to 'save the rainforest,' whatevertf that means, how 'bout you go out and plant a tree? Or use the MILLIONS of dollars it took to put on that concert, and buy a tract of rainforest that you can actually protect. You're raising awareness? Raise this [editor's note: I just grabbed my crotch.]
5. The phrase "Apples to Oranges," meaning 'incomparable." Since when has the english language become so confined that you can't compare apples to oranges?
Apples are a red, green, or yellow fruit with a thin, crisp skin, and an inside, or 'meat,' that is sweet, slightly grainy, and dry in comparison to oranges. Also they can be made into pies. Oranges, my friends, are an orange [or reddish yellow, if you are going to make an argument against tautology] colored citrus fruit with a very thick skin and a meat that is watery, cellular, and a bit tart. If you try to make these into pies, you'll get a disgusting slop. However if you squeeze a peeled orange over a bottle, you get a delicious juice. Squeeze an apple over said bottle, you get strained fingers.
Apples and Oranges = Compared.
6. People who defend Michael Bay with "he knows how to shoot an action scene." Yeah? So do these guys:
7. Michael Bay. God help me if you get your grubby little mitts on a Thundercats or Zelda script. You stay the fuck away from Link, do you hear me??
8. People who are famous for no discernable reason. No I'm not talking about the Paris Hiltons of the world. She has a reason--she's a trampy ho bag at whose grotesqueness we can stare for hours. Man that was a poorly constructed sentence. Anyway, no I'm talking about people whose names I don't even recognize until they are hosting SNL, or in the news for some stupid comment they made that has made everyone's panties bunch up. I'm talking to you, Perez Hilton and Zac Efron.
9. People who casually use the phrase "honestly" or "to be honest with you." You either are implying you are normally a pathological liar, e.g. this guy:
Or you sound like a salesman.
"Usually I'm a sack of shit, Neil, but today I wanted to give you a really special deal. The Firestone Tires credit card will save you $50 on this purchase, and--now remember most things that come out of my mouth are libelous filth, but not today--it's really about your financial security."
10. Improper use of quotation marks. At a store I once worked at, there was a sign that said:
"Fresh" Limes.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Stories Stories Stories!
Oh man it's been an exciting week!
Ok, so there's been a big problem with my roommate--cock nuggets--turning on the AC no matter what temperature it was outside. So if it's 55 degrees, he still turns on the AC at 65. This alone is ridiculous, but think about how freaking cold 65 degrees is! Also, keep in mind he hasn't paid electricity in 2 months, so he doesn't give a shit about how much that temperature is going to cost in bills.
So yeah, its been me against him, mano e mano. He turns on the AC at night, I wait 3 minutes and turn it off. He turns it down, I turn it back up. You get the idea. I come home last night, and there is a sign posted above the thermostat. It was written by my other roommate, cookie tits. The note:
"WHOEVER TURNED ON THE HEAT IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER [editor's note: yes summer starts in May here] TO 82 DEGREES, DO IT AGAIN AND YOU NO LONGER CAN STAY HERE! ONLY NEIL IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT FROM NOW ON! IF YOU PAID ELECTRICITY, PERHAPS YOU COULD TOUCH IT. BUT SINCE YOU DON'T, GO TO HELL."
An hour later, there is a new note from cock nuggets:
"Maybe if it wasn't 90 degrees in my room I would pay rent and bills!"
Well...that's not logical. Of course I had to chime in.
"Wait...that's an option? If we aren't comfortable we don't have to pay? By that logic shouldn't you have paid as soon as you turned it down to 65 degrees? What about in February and March when you were comfortable? Why didn't you pay then? Is there anything else we can do to make you more comfortable, besides the free rent, free bills, and the food you steal?"
Cookie tits came home and of course saw what cock nuggets had wrote and, long story short, he was gone when I came home today.
But the story doesn't end there.
Sine it's hard to move everything you have in a few hours, Cookie Tits agreed that Cock Nuggets could keep his big stuff here until a truck could come to grab it. Well, wouldn't you know it a truck pulls up just a few minutes ago. However cock nuggets wasn't in it. Instead a guy comes to the door and says that cock nuggets owes him a lot of money and...while this may be weird...could I grab some of his stuff as repayment?
Well this was exactly how Michael has been (unknowingly) paying me back for the food of mine he steals. So who was I to stop this, I assume, upstanding gentlemen from taking his just payments? Why, I'll even help him look for the valuable stuff?
Turns out he keeps his stash of pot under his mattress. Who knew? Also who knew that his entire stash would be more than enough as a repayment for the money he owed to this guy?
I feel I made the world a better place today.
Ok, so there's been a big problem with my roommate--cock nuggets--turning on the AC no matter what temperature it was outside. So if it's 55 degrees, he still turns on the AC at 65. This alone is ridiculous, but think about how freaking cold 65 degrees is! Also, keep in mind he hasn't paid electricity in 2 months, so he doesn't give a shit about how much that temperature is going to cost in bills.
So yeah, its been me against him, mano e mano. He turns on the AC at night, I wait 3 minutes and turn it off. He turns it down, I turn it back up. You get the idea. I come home last night, and there is a sign posted above the thermostat. It was written by my other roommate, cookie tits. The note:
"WHOEVER TURNED ON THE HEAT IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER [editor's note: yes summer starts in May here] TO 82 DEGREES, DO IT AGAIN AND YOU NO LONGER CAN STAY HERE! ONLY NEIL IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT FROM NOW ON! IF YOU PAID ELECTRICITY, PERHAPS YOU COULD TOUCH IT. BUT SINCE YOU DON'T, GO TO HELL."
An hour later, there is a new note from cock nuggets:
"Maybe if it wasn't 90 degrees in my room I would pay rent and bills!"
Well...that's not logical. Of course I had to chime in.
"Wait...that's an option? If we aren't comfortable we don't have to pay? By that logic shouldn't you have paid as soon as you turned it down to 65 degrees? What about in February and March when you were comfortable? Why didn't you pay then? Is there anything else we can do to make you more comfortable, besides the free rent, free bills, and the food you steal?"
Cookie tits came home and of course saw what cock nuggets had wrote and, long story short, he was gone when I came home today.
But the story doesn't end there.
Sine it's hard to move everything you have in a few hours, Cookie Tits agreed that Cock Nuggets could keep his big stuff here until a truck could come to grab it. Well, wouldn't you know it a truck pulls up just a few minutes ago. However cock nuggets wasn't in it. Instead a guy comes to the door and says that cock nuggets owes him a lot of money and...while this may be weird...could I grab some of his stuff as repayment?
Well this was exactly how Michael has been (unknowingly) paying me back for the food of mine he steals. So who was I to stop this, I assume, upstanding gentlemen from taking his just payments? Why, I'll even help him look for the valuable stuff?
Turns out he keeps his stash of pot under his mattress. Who knew? Also who knew that his entire stash would be more than enough as a repayment for the money he owed to this guy?
I feel I made the world a better place today.
Michigan's woes.
A few years before America's entry into WWII, and in the midst of the Great Depression, President Roosevelt started ramping up war materials production in order to supply Britain, Australia, and others as outlined by the Lend-Lease Act. To do this, he essentially told the big automakers that they were going to make some damn planes, tanks, and bombs, and he didn't want to hear any of their guff. FDR was big on using both his literal and metaphorical backside of his hand on corporations.
Fast forward a few decades, and America sees themselves in the midst of what I'm going to term for now a Great Recession. And wouldn't you know it, our President is using his backhand on GM and Chrysler like they were a bunch of coke whores failing to give us a cut of their BJ money. Except Obama's being way more of a pansy, and simply firing a CEO here, and forcing dumbass deals with Italian automakers. (Seriously...the Italians are saving us? Fuck me...).
Then we have this whole Boil Our Oceans problem going on. (Don't you think that would get more attention than 'Global Warming' and 'Climate Change?') The biggest contributor to this problem is the production of energy through fossil fuels. Sure we have the Saudi Arabia of wind in the US. And sure, with offshore windfarms most coastal (including Great Lake) states could produce 100% - 200% of their energy by wind. But we have this problem. No one really has the ability to mass produce windmills on such a scale to really make this viable yet. Also no one has the money to create the production foundation necessary to make these windmills.
I mean, where are you going to find a huge pool of labor highly trained in steelworking, machine tooling, and advanced manufacturing technology needed to make windmills on a huge scale? Why, one would need a whole city trained to do that. And a city that doesn't have such competing interests that the labor pool would be bled towards other pursuits. And you would really hundreds of factories with assembly lines designed to be flexible enough to produce new designs on an almost constant basis. Where could someone possibly find that?
...
So instead of firing CEO's, forcing poorly formed mergers, and handing out millions and millions in funds to keep the auto industry alive, even when its clear right now that no one is really interested in purchasing cars, why don't we do this:
Make the cash to GM and Chrysler available not as a bailout but as an infrastructure loan. Tell them to get this loan they are going to have to be prepared to, at least temporarily, change their product. Then with allll that money we've set aside for green training, and towards creating wind markets, start change Detroit from the Gotham its become?
Yes, there is a somewhat limited market for windmills (although not THAT limited. These things have a finite life, and markets like China, Russia, Greenland, Canada, Brazil, etc, are RIPE for wind production.), but the change doesn't have to be permanent, and can be phased back towards car production as the market dictates. Plane, tank, and bomb production wasn't a permanent features after WWII (depending on your outlook of the Military-Industrial complex), and the transition for the car manufactures back to car production was a relatively painless one.
I know this isn't a novel idea, and Michigan's Governon Granholm (or whatever her name is. I'm too lazy for wikipedia), has supported it in numerous speeches. But I really only see words right now ('We should do this!') and no federal official--Michigan can't do this on their own--stepping up to the plate.
Or maybe I'm just ignorant on plans in place to do this. If not, how do we pressure the government to move towards this? Or is this just a shitty idea?
Fast forward a few decades, and America sees themselves in the midst of what I'm going to term for now a Great Recession. And wouldn't you know it, our President is using his backhand on GM and Chrysler like they were a bunch of coke whores failing to give us a cut of their BJ money. Except Obama's being way more of a pansy, and simply firing a CEO here, and forcing dumbass deals with Italian automakers. (Seriously...the Italians are saving us? Fuck me...).
Then we have this whole Boil Our Oceans problem going on. (Don't you think that would get more attention than 'Global Warming' and 'Climate Change?') The biggest contributor to this problem is the production of energy through fossil fuels. Sure we have the Saudi Arabia of wind in the US. And sure, with offshore windfarms most coastal (including Great Lake) states could produce 100% - 200% of their energy by wind. But we have this problem. No one really has the ability to mass produce windmills on such a scale to really make this viable yet. Also no one has the money to create the production foundation necessary to make these windmills.
I mean, where are you going to find a huge pool of labor highly trained in steelworking, machine tooling, and advanced manufacturing technology needed to make windmills on a huge scale? Why, one would need a whole city trained to do that. And a city that doesn't have such competing interests that the labor pool would be bled towards other pursuits. And you would really hundreds of factories with assembly lines designed to be flexible enough to produce new designs on an almost constant basis. Where could someone possibly find that?
...
So instead of firing CEO's, forcing poorly formed mergers, and handing out millions and millions in funds to keep the auto industry alive, even when its clear right now that no one is really interested in purchasing cars, why don't we do this:
Make the cash to GM and Chrysler available not as a bailout but as an infrastructure loan. Tell them to get this loan they are going to have to be prepared to, at least temporarily, change their product. Then with allll that money we've set aside for green training, and towards creating wind markets, start change Detroit from the Gotham its become?
Yes, there is a somewhat limited market for windmills (although not THAT limited. These things have a finite life, and markets like China, Russia, Greenland, Canada, Brazil, etc, are RIPE for wind production.), but the change doesn't have to be permanent, and can be phased back towards car production as the market dictates. Plane, tank, and bomb production wasn't a permanent features after WWII (depending on your outlook of the Military-Industrial complex), and the transition for the car manufactures back to car production was a relatively painless one.
I know this isn't a novel idea, and Michigan's Governon Granholm (or whatever her name is. I'm too lazy for wikipedia), has supported it in numerous speeches. But I really only see words right now ('We should do this!') and no federal official--Michigan can't do this on their own--stepping up to the plate.
Or maybe I'm just ignorant on plans in place to do this. If not, how do we pressure the government to move towards this? Or is this just a shitty idea?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
This is the funniest picture I've ever seen on an internet ad.
Oh man! After undertaking the enormous responsibility of bringing a life into this world, I never thought I may have to plan for the future! Fortunately this picture of an unattended child in the middle of a cemetery really brought home the idea that perhaps life insurance--one of the most basic of all insurance that many have from the time they are a teenager--would be a good idea. Thank you random bawling child in the middle of a cemetery. BTW, where the fuck are your legal guardians now that your parents have kicked the bucket? Or did they not plan that far ahead? Maybe they only got their parenting advice from internet ads, and thought life insurance was all that's necessary. Why are you crying anyway? You have $500,000 coming to you. Now stfu with the crying. Be a man.Also, wear a suit to a funeral.
Do you think the people who took this picture had to punch the kid to get those lifelike tears?
I can only hope.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
And when I die...
I've always had two preferred ways to dispose of my mortal remains once I'm gone. One, the less preferable way, is to have my ashes shot into space. Yes, you can do it. There are companies that even have rockets (large ones too) set up at your 'burial' to put on a show. Don't believe me? Boom: http://www.memorialspaceflights.com/
The second, preferred method, is direct burial into the ground. I want some non degradable mementos buried with me, and then some sort of fruit bearing tree planted directly on top of me. That way, when my great grandkids are eating "Grandpa Neil's apple pie" they don't know how literal their actions are.
Now, thanks to Explosm, I have a third way, possibly even more preferable than the rocket method. The pirate treasure method.
Preferably a treasure map will be created and hidden in the archives of a library.
Also, I want a note hidden in the chest mocking any treasure hunter.
Other death wishes:
I want a party, a large one, as my wake.
I'm serious about the tree thing.
The second, preferred method, is direct burial into the ground. I want some non degradable mementos buried with me, and then some sort of fruit bearing tree planted directly on top of me. That way, when my great grandkids are eating "Grandpa Neil's apple pie" they don't know how literal their actions are.
Now, thanks to Explosm, I have a third way, possibly even more preferable than the rocket method. The pirate treasure method.
Preferably a treasure map will be created and hidden in the archives of a library.Also, I want a note hidden in the chest mocking any treasure hunter.
Other death wishes:
I want a party, a large one, as my wake.
I'm serious about the tree thing.
Purdue Galore
2 weeks until my visit to Indiana, and the stars are aligning. Why do I say this? Simple.
Yesterday I was up at 8 am. That's 'sleeping in' for me now. Sad, right? Anyway, I turn on the food network, as I am oft to do, and what is on, but this!
Ok, so a good way to start the day, right? Next stop, the farmers market, which started again this weekend. Because this was the first day of the year for the market, it was PACKED. Everything I needed or wanted was sold out. What's a guy to do, but go to a used bookstore and make the most of the day. Out on the sidewalk they had tables set up with $1 books.
And I found a first edition Penrod and Sam, by Booth Tarkington. Who's Booth Tarkington, you are asking? Only the second coolest author to have a Residence Hall named after him at Purdue University! That is--this one. Who is the coolest author to have a Residence Hall named after him at Purdue, you may be asking? Robert Owen of course, for 3 reasons.
1. He termed the coin 'Dinosaur.' (I think.)
2. His dad was Robert Owen, certified badass.
3. He himself was a certified badass, as evident from his statue at Purdue. A picture of which, I can't find.
It's Easter today. No church for me, but I am going used book shopping. That counts as some sort of worship, right?
One more thing, regarding the video of the Triple XXX. Was it just me, or was the owner the worst story teller ever on TV? Surely you had some time to prepare. Hell, make up some stories, ask the customers. I sure as hell could tell you a much better story about Triple XXX.
What's that? You want to hear it?
OK.
So there I was, knee deep.
It was freshman year, and Levi, myself, and my roommate had just gone to some sort of comedy show. We decided to hit up the Triple XXX. This was before my roommate stopped bathing, so I didn't mind spending time with him.
It's about 1 am, and we had just ordered. These two drunk, older middle aged men (50 - 60) came in with their sober wives. They sat right across from me and struck up some conversation. One of them, Dave (?) struck up a conversation with everyone there. The other one, however, just stared at me. Not for a short time--no, his eyes never left me. Even his wife noticed and tried to get him to stop. No go. After about 10 uncomfortable minutes, during which I tried to ignore him, he finally yelled at me "Your parents hate you!"
Wife: "Now George, stop that!"
George: "Get that fucking thing out of your eye!"--It should be noted here that I had an eyebrow ring at the time.
I said something along the lines of my parents don't give a shit.
George: Bullshit they don't! Get that shit out of your eye or I'm going to rip it out of there for you!
By this time the restaurant was pretty quiet. Or at least as quiet as the Triple XXX gets.
He then proceeded to explain how my parents hate my eyebrow ring, and until I remove it I'll be a disgrace in their eyes.
Me: So do you have a tattoo?
George's wife: OOOH!! He's got you there!!
George: That's fucking different! My tattoo means something to me! Get that shit out of your eye right now!
He started to get up out of his chair, at which point Dave--who had been schmoozing with the customers the whole time, came over and calmed him down. It turns out the 2 couples were celebrating because Dave's wife, who had Leukemia, had just gotten her latest round of test results back. She was leukemia free. Because of her meds though, she still wasn't able to drink.
Dave bought me, then everyone in the restaurant dinner. And George, while continuing to stare at me, finally gave up his threats of 'ripping that shit out of your eye.' I avoided him on my way out, however.
Yesterday I was up at 8 am. That's 'sleeping in' for me now. Sad, right? Anyway, I turn on the food network, as I am oft to do, and what is on, but this!
Ok, so a good way to start the day, right? Next stop, the farmers market, which started again this weekend. Because this was the first day of the year for the market, it was PACKED. Everything I needed or wanted was sold out. What's a guy to do, but go to a used bookstore and make the most of the day. Out on the sidewalk they had tables set up with $1 books.
And I found a first edition Penrod and Sam, by Booth Tarkington. Who's Booth Tarkington, you are asking? Only the second coolest author to have a Residence Hall named after him at Purdue University! That is--this one. Who is the coolest author to have a Residence Hall named after him at Purdue, you may be asking? Robert Owen of course, for 3 reasons.
1. He termed the coin 'Dinosaur.' (I think.)
2. His dad was Robert Owen, certified badass.
3. He himself was a certified badass, as evident from his statue at Purdue. A picture of which, I can't find.
It's Easter today. No church for me, but I am going used book shopping. That counts as some sort of worship, right?
One more thing, regarding the video of the Triple XXX. Was it just me, or was the owner the worst story teller ever on TV? Surely you had some time to prepare. Hell, make up some stories, ask the customers. I sure as hell could tell you a much better story about Triple XXX.
What's that? You want to hear it?
OK.
So there I was, knee deep.
It was freshman year, and Levi, myself, and my roommate had just gone to some sort of comedy show. We decided to hit up the Triple XXX. This was before my roommate stopped bathing, so I didn't mind spending time with him.
It's about 1 am, and we had just ordered. These two drunk, older middle aged men (50 - 60) came in with their sober wives. They sat right across from me and struck up some conversation. One of them, Dave (?) struck up a conversation with everyone there. The other one, however, just stared at me. Not for a short time--no, his eyes never left me. Even his wife noticed and tried to get him to stop. No go. After about 10 uncomfortable minutes, during which I tried to ignore him, he finally yelled at me "Your parents hate you!"
Wife: "Now George, stop that!"
George: "Get that fucking thing out of your eye!"--It should be noted here that I had an eyebrow ring at the time.
I said something along the lines of my parents don't give a shit.
George: Bullshit they don't! Get that shit out of your eye or I'm going to rip it out of there for you!
By this time the restaurant was pretty quiet. Or at least as quiet as the Triple XXX gets.
He then proceeded to explain how my parents hate my eyebrow ring, and until I remove it I'll be a disgrace in their eyes.
Me: So do you have a tattoo?
George's wife: OOOH!! He's got you there!!
George: That's fucking different! My tattoo means something to me! Get that shit out of your eye right now!
He started to get up out of his chair, at which point Dave--who had been schmoozing with the customers the whole time, came over and calmed him down. It turns out the 2 couples were celebrating because Dave's wife, who had Leukemia, had just gotten her latest round of test results back. She was leukemia free. Because of her meds though, she still wasn't able to drink.
Dave bought me, then everyone in the restaurant dinner. And George, while continuing to stare at me, finally gave up his threats of 'ripping that shit out of your eye.' I avoided him on my way out, however.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Short bursts of updates
I'm working on a longish (for a blog, anyway) essay on my generation's tendency to sublimate academic rigor into passionate reactionary tendencies. My ability to do this is being directly blocked by the internet and my need to eat meals. Until I can finish it, I thought I'd post some quick life updates.
The last few weeks have been crazy busy!
The Monday before St. Patrick's day saw my old SR, Kathleen, visiting Charleston with her little sister. We hit the town and I wasn't back in bed until 4 am. It had been a long, long time since I've done something like that. The next morning I had a meeting at 7 am. Yup, 2 hours of sleep. Also, Laila (!) came to visit that next day! She was driving to Myrtle Beach for her spring break from NASA. I got one day of peace after that, but then she stopped by on her way back in. Needless to say I was more than a bit tired, but sleep was not to be had.
Two days later I drove down to southern Georgia to visit my parents on their vacation. They came to Charleston just a few days later and wined and dined me. I finally got to try some of the culinary fare that makes Charleston the greatest American culinary destination, bar none. I've dined in most major American cities, and most of the major western countries. I've experienced escargot in Paris, and Nathan's Franks in NYC. This was the best. I can also now say I've dined in the same restaurant as George Washington once dined. It goes along with my goal of participating in the action for which an historical building was constructed. This is not often possible, but fortunately Charleston is quite an open city for this type of experience. Usually this means worshiping in historic churches, so a restaurant was a nice change of pace.
The last day my parents were here, Brandon and Amber came for a long weekend. I wish the weather was a bit better for their experience, but I'm glad they came nonetheless.
Friday we hit the town, saw an impromptu fashion show, hit all my favorite bars, and then ended up in a strip club at 3 am. I don't remember much at all of the club. I do remember their toilets were surprisingly clean. This is good when you have to hug one for an extended period of time.
Somehow I was the one too drunk to function, but Amber was the person too hungover to do anything the next day.
We saw I Love You, Man. Typical comedy, but Paul Rudd's performance is remarkable. You don't expect much dedication towards craft in a comedy like that, but...really he did a good job. It was also inte
resting that the comedy avoided the typical raunchiness associated with bromances. The sex jokes were pushed onto the female side characters, and the two male protagonists discussed topics of vulnerability, commitment, love. It was an interesting twist.
Right now I'm constructing a Beeker costume for my APRIL 25TH VISIT TO INDIANA!!! I-Bash, Breakfast Club, and maybe even a job interview thrown in for good measure.
This month I get an extra paycheck. While half of this has already been used to purchase my airplane ticket, and a lot will be used on my trip, I still think this means I won't have to worry as much about money this month. In May I've been offered a week of dogsitting. They pay $50 a night. That's essentially another paycheck, this time without expensive travel plans. June I have a gig that's paying 1500 in cash. July I'm done. In other words, money troubles are hopefully finished. At least until this gig ends and I'm jobless.
Speaking of which...if you know of anyone hiring for July. Let me know.
Chelsea's coming this Monday. I've been counting towards this day since January. It will honestly be the highlight of the year. Although it's her birthday while she's here. So...no pressure to show her a good time.
Law/Grad school plans still up in the air. Blech. I'm lazy. I haven't even filed/looked at my tax forms yet.
Patrick's a cockbag. No reason for saying this. I just know he reads regularly.
Hmm. Yeah ok, I think that's the end of the newsfeed.
Oh yeah! Last Friday marks the 15 week countdown until my last day. Tomorrow marks the 90 day countdown. Can you tell I'm excited. Yup. I've loved this experience, love AmeriCorps and all it represents. Hate my program.
Congratulations to ANY Vermonter who wants to get married. 46 more states to go...
The last few weeks have been crazy busy!
The Monday before St. Patrick's day saw my old SR, Kathleen, visiting Charleston with her little sister. We hit the town and I wasn't back in bed until 4 am. It had been a long, long time since I've done something like that. The next morning I had a meeting at 7 am. Yup, 2 hours of sleep. Also, Laila (!) came to visit that next day! She was driving to Myrtle Beach for her spring break from NASA. I got one day of peace after that, but then she stopped by on her way back in. Needless to say I was more than a bit tired, but sleep was not to be had.
Two days later I drove down to southern Georgia to visit my parents on their vacation. They came to Charleston just a few days later and wined and dined me. I finally got to try some of the culinary fare that makes Charleston the greatest American culinary destination, bar none. I've dined in most major American cities, and most of the major western countries. I've experienced escargot in Paris, and Nathan's Franks in NYC. This was the best. I can also now say I've dined in the same restaurant as George Washington once dined. It goes along with my goal of participating in the action for which an historical building was constructed. This is not often possible, but fortunately Charleston is quite an open city for this type of experience. Usually this means worshiping in historic churches, so a restaurant was a nice change of pace.
The last day my parents were here, Brandon and Amber came for a long weekend. I wish the weather was a bit better for their experience, but I'm glad they came nonetheless.
Friday we hit the town, saw an impromptu fashion show, hit all my favorite bars, and then ended up in a strip club at 3 am. I don't remember much at all of the club. I do remember their toilets were surprisingly clean. This is good when you have to hug one for an extended period of time.
Somehow I was the one too drunk to function, but Amber was the person too hungover to do anything the next day.
We saw I Love You, Man. Typical comedy, but Paul Rudd's performance is remarkable. You don't expect much dedication towards craft in a comedy like that, but...really he did a good job. It was also inte
resting that the comedy avoided the typical raunchiness associated with bromances. The sex jokes were pushed onto the female side characters, and the two male protagonists discussed topics of vulnerability, commitment, love. It was an interesting twist.Right now I'm constructing a Beeker costume for my APRIL 25TH VISIT TO INDIANA!!! I-Bash, Breakfast Club, and maybe even a job interview thrown in for good measure.
This month I get an extra paycheck. While half of this has already been used to purchase my airplane ticket, and a lot will be used on my trip, I still think this means I won't have to worry as much about money this month. In May I've been offered a week of dogsitting. They pay $50 a night. That's essentially another paycheck, this time without expensive travel plans. June I have a gig that's paying 1500 in cash. July I'm done. In other words, money troubles are hopefully finished. At least until this gig ends and I'm jobless.
Speaking of which...if you know of anyone hiring for July. Let me know.
Chelsea's coming this Monday. I've been counting towards this day since January. It will honestly be the highlight of the year. Although it's her birthday while she's here. So...no pressure to show her a good time.
Law/Grad school plans still up in the air. Blech. I'm lazy. I haven't even filed/looked at my tax forms yet.
Patrick's a cockbag. No reason for saying this. I just know he reads regularly.
Hmm. Yeah ok, I think that's the end of the newsfeed.
Oh yeah! Last Friday marks the 15 week countdown until my last day. Tomorrow marks the 90 day countdown. Can you tell I'm excited. Yup. I've loved this experience, love AmeriCorps and all it represents. Hate my program.
Congratulations to ANY Vermonter who wants to get married. 46 more states to go...
Friday, March 13, 2009
Reflections
I had to explain my mugging story to a group of acquaintances this past weekend. Almost every time I repeat my story, I very strategically leave out the fact that the two muggers were black. In the south, the assumption is already there, and I don't like to feed the stereotype. To be fair, I would say percentage wise, most of the semi-violent crimes in this area, in fact, committed by African Americans. That is a simple matter of statistics and can't really be disputed. What I have a problem with is that I feel many people believe that that demographic holds the majority of crimes because they are black. Even the most proudly tolerant individual will sometimes show this great depth of ignorance when it comes to racial matters. If asked, I'm sure they would say that they view all people as equal, not even recognizing that their belief in an inherent inclination towards crime is, by all means, prejudice and racist. In the South (elsewhere too, but especially here) the black neighborhoods are the poorest neighborhoods. This issue of class, of poor income distribution, is colored by race, and so in the eyes of onlookers removed intellectually and physically from these class problems, become one and the same. Go to southern Indiana, however, and these same crimes are being committed, just by poor white people.
There also seems to be a misunderstanding about the ramifications of having a black President. This misunderstanding is not limited to the South by any means, and I think has been exhibited by the media and citizenry alike. Having a black President does not mean that issues of racial inequity are now solved. This may sound like an obvious statement, but there have been numerous times that I have found people have a general attitude of "We have a black President now? Well *dusts off hands* that's that for race problems!" Ignoring, or perhaps just ignorant of, the systemic and systematic (not necessarily purposefully so as some would have you believe) stacking of odds against African Americans. Thomas Friedman even declared, one day after the 2008 elections, that "The Civil War is finally over." Implying, of course, that race problems in America are finished, and we can finally move on. I'm truly afraid that white people who have long been on the side of greater racial equality, yet may only have a tertiary commitment (I'm not judging them--I would largely include myself in this category) will adopt this view and perhaps believe their work is done.
This ignorance of the ramifications of Obama's presidency was made shockingly clear to me while I was telling my story at the cookout. One of my acquaintances there questioned me two or three times over the color of the muggers. Finally I told her that, yes, they were indeed black. Her response? "I just thought they would stop doing things like this now that Obama is President" [emphasis added]. This view on race was absolutely flabbergasting. To believe that crime among African Americans has rested solely on their political disenfranchisement; that every black person should now be compelled to live the straight and narrow; and to ignore the fact that 220 years of White presidents have not stopped white people from committing crimes. To do all of this in that one simple sentence blew my mind. Can people really be this ignorant? Can someone really have that clean cut view of the world, and to expect such easy fixes? If we have a latino president, will immigration issues stop? What about a lesbian president? Will they finally stop bothering us with all those requests for basic human rights?
What bothered me even more, is that this phrase was uttered by an extremely intelligent woman, on the verge of graduating from a well respect liberal arts institution. A person with a blessed upbringing. I've always believed that intelligence lies in one's ability to self-educate--to be able to intuit the complexity of a situation, to use past experiences and apply them to new, alien situations, and to have a natural thirst to learn more. If this woman, who is by all means incredibly intelligent, can hold such damn ignorant views, how are we to change the view of an entire people?
--------------------
Once I started thinking about the situation of my two muggers, I actually felt pity more than anything else for them. THat is not to say that I don't feel they got what they deserved--they were predators and I'm glad that they aren't on the streets. It's just that...they were both young, both with previous records. Keep in mind that your juvenile record is erased when you turn 18, so their record has been created in a very short time. Now I doubt they were perfect angels until the day they became a legal adult and suddenly turned to a life of crime. No, they most likely had a juvenile record as well, probably extending back quite far. One was from a foster home, and had a string of homes up and down the coast. Furthermore, their places of residence were listed in a very poor part of town. Both were unemployed.
These two would have a hard time finding employment anyway. The argument can be made that they have brought this upon themselves--that they chose to commit crimes after becoming adults, and to a large degree that is true. However, how employable is one person who has completed high school in juvenile detention, and one who never has been in one school more than a few months at a time? One pays for one's sins, but how just is it when those sins have roots stretching back to mere childhood?
As this economy worsens, as our society takes on more and more aspects of a true depression, how many more of these cases will we see? Everyone has to eat. If you think you are above stealing to satisfy that urge, you've never been truly hungry.
This afternoon, 3 houses across the street put up "For Sale" signs. Two were "For Sale By Owner." Even realtors won't touch the market anymore.
One interesting aspect of this recession/depression for this area. Poverty will no longer be limited to African Americans. Perhaps the next few years can change just a few attitudes.
We'll see.
There also seems to be a misunderstanding about the ramifications of having a black President. This misunderstanding is not limited to the South by any means, and I think has been exhibited by the media and citizenry alike. Having a black President does not mean that issues of racial inequity are now solved. This may sound like an obvious statement, but there have been numerous times that I have found people have a general attitude of "We have a black President now? Well *dusts off hands* that's that for race problems!" Ignoring, or perhaps just ignorant of, the systemic and systematic (not necessarily purposefully so as some would have you believe) stacking of odds against African Americans. Thomas Friedman even declared, one day after the 2008 elections, that "The Civil War is finally over." Implying, of course, that race problems in America are finished, and we can finally move on. I'm truly afraid that white people who have long been on the side of greater racial equality, yet may only have a tertiary commitment (I'm not judging them--I would largely include myself in this category) will adopt this view and perhaps believe their work is done.
This ignorance of the ramifications of Obama's presidency was made shockingly clear to me while I was telling my story at the cookout. One of my acquaintances there questioned me two or three times over the color of the muggers. Finally I told her that, yes, they were indeed black. Her response? "I just thought they would stop doing things like this now that Obama is President" [emphasis added]. This view on race was absolutely flabbergasting. To believe that crime among African Americans has rested solely on their political disenfranchisement; that every black person should now be compelled to live the straight and narrow; and to ignore the fact that 220 years of White presidents have not stopped white people from committing crimes. To do all of this in that one simple sentence blew my mind. Can people really be this ignorant? Can someone really have that clean cut view of the world, and to expect such easy fixes? If we have a latino president, will immigration issues stop? What about a lesbian president? Will they finally stop bothering us with all those requests for basic human rights?
What bothered me even more, is that this phrase was uttered by an extremely intelligent woman, on the verge of graduating from a well respect liberal arts institution. A person with a blessed upbringing. I've always believed that intelligence lies in one's ability to self-educate--to be able to intuit the complexity of a situation, to use past experiences and apply them to new, alien situations, and to have a natural thirst to learn more. If this woman, who is by all means incredibly intelligent, can hold such damn ignorant views, how are we to change the view of an entire people?
--------------------
Once I started thinking about the situation of my two muggers, I actually felt pity more than anything else for them. THat is not to say that I don't feel they got what they deserved--they were predators and I'm glad that they aren't on the streets. It's just that...they were both young, both with previous records. Keep in mind that your juvenile record is erased when you turn 18, so their record has been created in a very short time. Now I doubt they were perfect angels until the day they became a legal adult and suddenly turned to a life of crime. No, they most likely had a juvenile record as well, probably extending back quite far. One was from a foster home, and had a string of homes up and down the coast. Furthermore, their places of residence were listed in a very poor part of town. Both were unemployed.
These two would have a hard time finding employment anyway. The argument can be made that they have brought this upon themselves--that they chose to commit crimes after becoming adults, and to a large degree that is true. However, how employable is one person who has completed high school in juvenile detention, and one who never has been in one school more than a few months at a time? One pays for one's sins, but how just is it when those sins have roots stretching back to mere childhood?
As this economy worsens, as our society takes on more and more aspects of a true depression, how many more of these cases will we see? Everyone has to eat. If you think you are above stealing to satisfy that urge, you've never been truly hungry.
This afternoon, 3 houses across the street put up "For Sale" signs. Two were "For Sale By Owner." Even realtors won't touch the market anymore.
One interesting aspect of this recession/depression for this area. Poverty will no longer be limited to African Americans. Perhaps the next few years can change just a few attitudes.
We'll see.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
No one fucks with my food stamps.
Ok, so many people want to know about my mugging experience. Yes, I did get mugged. No, I'm not hurt, except for a bruise and cut under my eye, and a few slightly loose teeth that I'm told will firm back up in a few days.
How it happened.
So there I was, knee deep. I had decided that since the weather was a beautiful 72 degrees, low humidity, I would go for an extended bike ride. There is a quite nice bike trail that runs for about 10 miles near the edge of Charleston. At about mile 7, 2 men stopped me to ask me a question. When I asked them to repeat their question, they started punching me while yelling "Give me your money." One of them, who I later found out was named Marcus, grabbed my back pack. The other--something with a "J" whom we'll call James, grabbed my wallet and took off.
Now you know how you're supposed to have a "flight-or-fight" response? I have neither. I have a "Stare blankly questioning if you are really getting mugged on a fucking bike trail?" response. Once I kind of woke up, I realized that they had my damn wallet and backpack! There was no way I wasn't getting them back. I took off after them. Not on my bike, mind you. No, that would've been intelligent. I took off on foot after them. It was good that I did decide to go after them, as about a quarter of a mile later there was a woman by herself coming up the trail. I believe if I hadn't been chasing after the two muggers, that woman probably would've been next.
After a little bit of running, the two assholes dropped my backpack and wallet. I looked inside and notice my cellphone was gone, as was everything in the cash pocket of my wallet, and one of my credit cards. Here's how poor of a choice these two made in mugging me. The cash in my wallet totaled $1. The credit card they grabbed? It was my food stamps card that: a. needed a passcode to use, and b. only had $6 on it. They really chose the wrong person to rob. However, they did have my cell phone (which I may add, didn't have a sim card, and hence also useless).
Back to the chase. Yeah they still have my cell phone, so I'm still running after them. Up ahead there are 3 men on bikes coming up the trail towards us. When the two muggers see this, they take off across the yards of a housing complex next to the trail. I stop the 3 bikers, and start explaining what happened. As soon as I said "mugged," one of the men I stopped took off after them on his bike. It turns out he was a retired cop. One of the other men is a district attorney. He called dispatch and got a squad car to come out pronto. Ten minutes later, both perps are sitting in the back of a squad car, and I'm writing down my statement.
One of the offenders, Marcus, had an outstanding warrant for armed robbery. So maybe it was a bad idea to chase after him. The other guy, James? He had gotten out of jail the day before.
Considering the warrant and probation status of both of them, it looks like they won't be getting a slap on the wrist, but a pretty harsh sentence. The bond hearing was this morning. It was set at $40,000 in cash, which neither will have.
And that's that! I never got my food stamps card back, and sometime during the chase my camera fell out of my backpack. That camera had all my inauguration pictures, so I'm a little sad about that. However, I'm safe, have my money and phone, and a good story. So all is well :).
How it happened.
So there I was, knee deep. I had decided that since the weather was a beautiful 72 degrees, low humidity, I would go for an extended bike ride. There is a quite nice bike trail that runs for about 10 miles near the edge of Charleston. At about mile 7, 2 men stopped me to ask me a question. When I asked them to repeat their question, they started punching me while yelling "Give me your money." One of them, who I later found out was named Marcus, grabbed my back pack. The other--something with a "J" whom we'll call James, grabbed my wallet and took off.
Now you know how you're supposed to have a "flight-or-fight" response? I have neither. I have a "Stare blankly questioning if you are really getting mugged on a fucking bike trail?" response. Once I kind of woke up, I realized that they had my damn wallet and backpack! There was no way I wasn't getting them back. I took off after them. Not on my bike, mind you. No, that would've been intelligent. I took off on foot after them. It was good that I did decide to go after them, as about a quarter of a mile later there was a woman by herself coming up the trail. I believe if I hadn't been chasing after the two muggers, that woman probably would've been next.
After a little bit of running, the two assholes dropped my backpack and wallet. I looked inside and notice my cellphone was gone, as was everything in the cash pocket of my wallet, and one of my credit cards. Here's how poor of a choice these two made in mugging me. The cash in my wallet totaled $1. The credit card they grabbed? It was my food stamps card that: a. needed a passcode to use, and b. only had $6 on it. They really chose the wrong person to rob. However, they did have my cell phone (which I may add, didn't have a sim card, and hence also useless).
Back to the chase. Yeah they still have my cell phone, so I'm still running after them. Up ahead there are 3 men on bikes coming up the trail towards us. When the two muggers see this, they take off across the yards of a housing complex next to the trail. I stop the 3 bikers, and start explaining what happened. As soon as I said "mugged," one of the men I stopped took off after them on his bike. It turns out he was a retired cop. One of the other men is a district attorney. He called dispatch and got a squad car to come out pronto. Ten minutes later, both perps are sitting in the back of a squad car, and I'm writing down my statement.
One of the offenders, Marcus, had an outstanding warrant for armed robbery. So maybe it was a bad idea to chase after him. The other guy, James? He had gotten out of jail the day before.
Considering the warrant and probation status of both of them, it looks like they won't be getting a slap on the wrist, but a pretty harsh sentence. The bond hearing was this morning. It was set at $40,000 in cash, which neither will have.
And that's that! I never got my food stamps card back, and sometime during the chase my camera fell out of my backpack. That camera had all my inauguration pictures, so I'm a little sad about that. However, I'm safe, have my money and phone, and a good story. So all is well :).
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ on a Tofu Cracker
I was right.
I was right!!!
Yesterday, exactly 1 week after receiving the most badass birthday gift ever (zombies), a construction site was shut down across the street from my office when--get this--construction workers fell from ladders after feeling mysteriously faint and queasy. Then today the entire staff of a whole building called in sick. Why were they sick? Probably because a coworker bit them all sometime last week and now they have a craving for brains!
Ok, so you know how there are facebook groups devoted to "The hardest part of the zombie invasion will be pretending I'm not excited" and other such phrases? Well I used to laugh, but not believe! I'm really fucking excited now!
As I walk on campus between buildings, I see all these students I pass and think "What if I had to run through these without being bitten in order to save someone on the other side? How would I do it?"
I also think "I could take her out, take her out, maybe him, him...I would avoid him, easy, hard, has weak knees" and so on, and so on. Also, due to the fact that I have not made any really close connections here, I would have no hesitation in taking out anyone here with, say, a lawn mower or centuries old shot gun. If its for the good of the nation, nay world, then so be it. None of that emotional/moral crisis that occurs in the zombie movies. Do you know why William "B.J." Blazkowicz had no problem escaping the wolfenstein castle? Because he had no mercy. He didn't have to worry if this person was a good person in life, because he knew they were all nazi zombies. What I'm saying is, to me most of the time, Charleston Residents = Nazi Zombies.
Man, I hope it stays cold to slow down their undead metabolism. I may be itching for a fight, but I want the odds on my side.
I was right!!!
Yesterday, exactly 1 week after receiving the most badass birthday gift ever (zombies), a construction site was shut down across the street from my office when--get this--construction workers fell from ladders after feeling mysteriously faint and queasy. Then today the entire staff of a whole building called in sick. Why were they sick? Probably because a coworker bit them all sometime last week and now they have a craving for brains!
Ok, so you know how there are facebook groups devoted to "The hardest part of the zombie invasion will be pretending I'm not excited" and other such phrases? Well I used to laugh, but not believe! I'm really fucking excited now!
As I walk on campus between buildings, I see all these students I pass and think "What if I had to run through these without being bitten in order to save someone on the other side? How would I do it?"
I also think "I could take her out, take her out, maybe him, him...I would avoid him, easy, hard, has weak knees" and so on, and so on. Also, due to the fact that I have not made any really close connections here, I would have no hesitation in taking out anyone here with, say, a lawn mower or centuries old shot gun. If its for the good of the nation, nay world, then so be it. None of that emotional/moral crisis that occurs in the zombie movies. Do you know why William "B.J." Blazkowicz had no problem escaping the wolfenstein castle? Because he had no mercy. He didn't have to worry if this person was a good person in life, because he knew they were all nazi zombies. What I'm saying is, to me most of the time, Charleston Residents = Nazi Zombies.
Man, I hope it stays cold to slow down their undead metabolism. I may be itching for a fight, but I want the odds on my side.
Monday, February 2, 2009
The procrastination of fear.
So I was at the inauguration. Most people know this.
I need to write about it.
In East Africa right now, the already tragic state of Somalia is going through yet again some really tough changes. With a new President and a new Secretary of State, I really want to write a series of articles detailing changes in US Policy, and what this means to the horn of Africa.
I haven't started either of these for over 15 days.
Why?
The only one grading them will be me. There are no parameters set except for my own. I think I'm a much harsher critic than any professor was.
Inauguration post coming very soon. I hope.
I need to write about it.
In East Africa right now, the already tragic state of Somalia is going through yet again some really tough changes. With a new President and a new Secretary of State, I really want to write a series of articles detailing changes in US Policy, and what this means to the horn of Africa.
I haven't started either of these for over 15 days.
Why?
The only one grading them will be me. There are no parameters set except for my own. I think I'm a much harsher critic than any professor was.
Inauguration post coming very soon. I hope.
Best. Birthday. Ever.
It's January in Charleston.
Think of it as April in the rest of the nation. Days are a crapshoot of rain, sun, "cold," and hot. Tomorrow there is a chance of snow; today was a high of 65. This weather kind of plays havoc with physical health, emotions, and your energy levels.
On top of this I'm looking at finding a new job in 5 months with an economy that's not just circling the drain, but is finding it's way out to the ocean through the myriad of sewage pipes that is our financial system. Unemployment for my age demographic is at 34% now.
Then, this past Wednesday, I turned 24. I have always said 24 was an important age. 21 - 23 is the final huzzah of true youth--that is wise enough to be an adult, but young enough to not be weighed down by responsibilities.
24 though...that's a new level of oldness.
On top of all this, Thursday (the day after my birthday) is the biggest project for my office of the entire year, so I'm not really going to be able to live it up.
My birthday is going to suck, right?
Not when you receive the greatest birthday gift ever conceived by man.
So there I was. Knee Deep. I'm driving to work, and within the first 2 miles I have to stop 3 times for firetrucks and ambulances. Not just a normal stoppage either--you know when you pull over to the side while they pass. No these trucks are straight out reckless in their drive to the ocean.
I get on the bridge to Charleston, and all sorts of sirens are coming at me. Now, each island and peninsula in the Greater Charleston Area has their own emergency services. If they are coming over the bridge, this is more than a 5 alarm emergency. This is an all hands on deck, shit is going down situation.
Let me set the scene now:
I'm sitting in traffic listening to the radio. The DJ comes on.
"And that was Mott the Hoople with a CLASSIC tune. Tell me, does anyone know what's going on over on folly beach? Police won't release a statement, and no visitors are allowed in. I'll tell you what. Free concert tickets to the Ravenettes for the first caller to tell me the 411. Now here's traffic."
And I switch stations. Perfect move.
At work we hear sirens go by for 3 full hours. The mystery is deepening.
On my lunch our I have to go deliver some mail. I come out the front door of the office, and what do I see but a line of white vans and trucks, with a weird company name on the side. It was like "EcoCom--Making the Future Now" or some crazy bullshit motto like that. I didn't have my pictures, but the internets provided me with this great mockup:
That's when it clicked. A mysterious occurence on the beach, sirens galore, police remaining mum and shutting down eyes, and a badass futuristic company fleet. Do I have to spell it out?
ZOMBIES!!!!
Name one movie that doesn't start with this exact same circumstance?! And it's been almost a week! It always starts slow and just infects a few people. Next thing you know half the city is gone! I haven't seen my roommates in 3 days, and last time I did one of them was really tired! Fuck!
I'm going to get my baseball bat.
Greatest Birthday Ever!
Think of it as April in the rest of the nation. Days are a crapshoot of rain, sun, "cold," and hot. Tomorrow there is a chance of snow; today was a high of 65. This weather kind of plays havoc with physical health, emotions, and your energy levels.
On top of this I'm looking at finding a new job in 5 months with an economy that's not just circling the drain, but is finding it's way out to the ocean through the myriad of sewage pipes that is our financial system. Unemployment for my age demographic is at 34% now.
Then, this past Wednesday, I turned 24. I have always said 24 was an important age. 21 - 23 is the final huzzah of true youth--that is wise enough to be an adult, but young enough to not be weighed down by responsibilities.
24 though...that's a new level of oldness.
On top of all this, Thursday (the day after my birthday) is the biggest project for my office of the entire year, so I'm not really going to be able to live it up.
My birthday is going to suck, right?
Not when you receive the greatest birthday gift ever conceived by man.
So there I was. Knee Deep. I'm driving to work, and within the first 2 miles I have to stop 3 times for firetrucks and ambulances. Not just a normal stoppage either--you know when you pull over to the side while they pass. No these trucks are straight out reckless in their drive to the ocean.
I get on the bridge to Charleston, and all sorts of sirens are coming at me. Now, each island and peninsula in the Greater Charleston Area has their own emergency services. If they are coming over the bridge, this is more than a 5 alarm emergency. This is an all hands on deck, shit is going down situation.
Let me set the scene now:
I'm sitting in traffic listening to the radio. The DJ comes on.
"And that was Mott the Hoople with a CLASSIC tune. Tell me, does anyone know what's going on over on folly beach? Police won't release a statement, and no visitors are allowed in. I'll tell you what. Free concert tickets to the Ravenettes for the first caller to tell me the 411. Now here's traffic."
And I switch stations. Perfect move.
At work we hear sirens go by for 3 full hours. The mystery is deepening.
On my lunch our I have to go deliver some mail. I come out the front door of the office, and what do I see but a line of white vans and trucks, with a weird company name on the side. It was like "EcoCom--Making the Future Now" or some crazy bullshit motto like that. I didn't have my pictures, but the internets provided me with this great mockup:
That's when it clicked. A mysterious occurence on the beach, sirens galore, police remaining mum and shutting down eyes, and a badass futuristic company fleet. Do I have to spell it out?
ZOMBIES!!!!
Name one movie that doesn't start with this exact same circumstance?! And it's been almost a week! It always starts slow and just infects a few people. Next thing you know half the city is gone! I haven't seen my roommates in 3 days, and last time I did one of them was really tired! Fuck!
I'm going to get my baseball bat.
Greatest Birthday Ever!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Dot Dot Dot
Headline: Legislators Vote to Impeach Blagojevich
The House voted 114-1 to impeach Blagojevich a day after a special committee unanimously recommended impeachment following hearings on a variety of allegations, including federal corruption charges that led to his arrest last month.
Excuse me but...
WHO THE FUCK IS THE ONE WHO DIDN'T?! "You know what? Fuck you guys! I like Blago and he's sticking around!"
The House voted 114-1 to impeach Blagojevich a day after a special committee unanimously recommended impeachment following hearings on a variety of allegations, including federal corruption charges that led to his arrest last month.
Excuse me but...
WHO THE FUCK IS THE ONE WHO DIDN'T?! "You know what? Fuck you guys! I like Blago and he's sticking around!"
Monday, January 5, 2009
Little Gidding
What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make and end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from...
Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning,
Every poem an epitaph. And any action
Is a step to the block, to the fire, down the sea's throat
Or to an illegible stone: and that is where we start.
-T.S. Elliot "Four Quartets"
I completed my New Years Resolution on January 2nd, and it was a monumental shift in my self.
Most Americans, and indeed most citizens of Western Society, have made a string of some (probably) hefty New Years Resolutions designed to make you closer to that person you want to be, or if you are honest the person you already view in the mirror. Losing weight, being a nicer person, being more honest, eating right, quitting smoking, taking more photographs, these are all noble pursuits which, if accomplished will perhaps make you a better person. Except how often are these resolutions ever successful? How many times have made the same resolution January 1st after January 1st?
The problem lies not in our grandiose desires; indeed, the urge of man to improve his self is one of our greatest attributes. The problem lies in our own short sightedness and cowardice.
A body, a self, a constructed reality contains much momentum. This momentum, like its corporeal counterpart, does not change directions easily, but that is exactly what we attempt to do. We want our reality, which we have conducted over decades and decades, to swerve directions with just a slight push from our will. As happy as this wish may be, it will never occur. Our existential mass is too great. Instead we are left with two options.
With great foresight and planning, one can plot out those little changes--a tweak here, a nudge there--that will change our momentum from where we are heading to a new destination. It is difficult, and perhaps can not be accomplished through a simple resolution made while high on carbonated wine, but it is possible.
The other option is to identify a weakness in yourself that you can exploit. That one weak link, that one thread which is, unknowingly, is holding everything together--and snip it. That's all it takes. If you don't like who you are, destroy it and build anew. You won't know what the results will be, but you know it will be different. And if anything different is better than what you have now, what is holding you back?
I made that attempt, and the results won't be seen for possibly years. But I know January 2nd changed things forever.
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