Thursday, February 5, 2009

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ on a Tofu Cracker

I was right.


I was right!!!

Yesterday, exactly 1 week after receiving the most badass birthday gift ever (zombies), a construction site was shut down across the street from my office when--get this--construction workers fell from ladders after feeling mysteriously faint and queasy. Then today the entire staff of a whole building called in sick. Why were they sick? Probably because a coworker bit them all sometime last week and now they have a craving for brains!

Ok, so you know how there are facebook groups devoted to "The hardest part of the zombie invasion will be pretending I'm not excited" and other such phrases? Well I used to laugh, but not believe! I'm really fucking excited now!

As I walk on campus between buildings, I see all these students I pass and think "What if I had to run through these without being bitten in order to save someone on the other side? How would I do it?"

I also think "I could take her out, take her out, maybe him, him...I would avoid him, easy, hard, has weak knees" and so on, and so on. Also, due to the fact that I have not made any really close connections here, I would have no hesitation in taking out anyone here with, say, a lawn mower or centuries old shot gun. If its for the good of the nation, nay world, then so be it. None of that emotional/moral crisis that occurs in the zombie movies. Do you know why William "B.J." Blazkowicz had no problem escaping the wolfenstein castle? Because he had no mercy. He didn't have to worry if this person was a good person in life, because he knew they were all nazi zombies. What I'm saying is, to me most of the time, Charleston Residents = Nazi Zombies.

Man, I hope it stays cold to slow down their undead metabolism. I may be itching for a fight, but I want the odds on my side.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The procrastination of fear.

So I was at the inauguration. Most people know this.

I need to write about it.

In East Africa right now, the already tragic state of Somalia is going through yet again some really tough changes. With a new President and a new Secretary of State, I really want to write a series of articles detailing changes in US Policy, and what this means to the horn of Africa.

I haven't started either of these for over 15 days.

Why?

The only one grading them will be me. There are no parameters set except for my own. I think I'm a much harsher critic than any professor was.

Inauguration post coming very soon. I hope.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

It's January in Charleston.

Think of it as April in the rest of the nation. Days are a crapshoot of rain, sun, "cold," and hot. Tomorrow there is a chance of snow; today was a high of 65. This weather kind of plays havoc with physical health, emotions, and your energy levels.

On top of this I'm looking at finding a new job in 5 months with an economy that's not just circling the drain, but is finding it's way out to the ocean through the myriad of sewage pipes that is our financial system. Unemployment for my age demographic is at 34% now.

Then, this past Wednesday, I turned 24. I have always said 24 was an important age. 21 - 23 is the final huzzah of true youth--that is wise enough to be an adult, but young enough to not be weighed down by responsibilities.

24 though...that's a new level of oldness.

On top of all this, Thursday (the day after my birthday) is the biggest project for my office of the entire year, so I'm not really going to be able to live it up.

My birthday is going to suck, right?

Not when you receive the greatest birthday gift ever conceived by man.


So there I was. Knee Deep. I'm driving to work, and within the first 2 miles I have to stop 3 times for firetrucks and ambulances. Not just a normal stoppage either--you know when you pull over to the side while they pass. No these trucks are straight out reckless in their drive to the ocean.

I get on the bridge to Charleston, and all sorts of sirens are coming at me. Now, each island and peninsula in the Greater Charleston Area has their own emergency services. If they are coming over the bridge, this is more than a 5 alarm emergency. This is an all hands on deck, shit is going down situation.

Let me set the scene now:

I'm sitting in traffic listening to the radio. The DJ comes on.

"And that was Mott the Hoople with a CLASSIC tune. Tell me, does anyone know what's going on over on folly beach? Police won't release a statement, and no visitors are allowed in. I'll tell you what. Free concert tickets to the Ravenettes for the first caller to tell me the 411. Now here's traffic."

And I switch stations. Perfect move.

At work we hear sirens go by for 3 full hours. The mystery is deepening.

On my lunch our I have to go deliver some mail. I come out the front door of the office, and what do I see but a line of white vans and trucks, with a weird company name on the side. It was like "EcoCom--Making the Future Now" or some crazy bullshit motto like that. I didn't have my pictures, but the internets provided me with this great mockup:


That's when it clicked. A mysterious occurence on the beach, sirens galore, police remaining mum and shutting down eyes, and a badass futuristic company fleet. Do I have to spell it out?

ZOMBIES!!!!

Name one movie that doesn't start with this exact same circumstance?! And it's been almost a week! It always starts slow and just infects a few people. Next thing you know half the city is gone! I haven't seen my roommates in 3 days, and last time I did one of them was really tired! Fuck!

I'm going to get my baseball bat.

Greatest Birthday Ever!