Awww, damnit!

So after my heterosexual lifemate, Brown Bear, read my blog he, concerned with my safety, pointed out that while the ever present threat of zombies is indeed something for which one should prepare, there are bigger threats out there. Global warming, airborne viral mutations, Bill O'Reilly, and the worst of all: Velociraptors. These slimy, scaly little bastards rarely see the light of day, instead choosing to spend their time in underground tunnels cunningly planning their attack on the good people of this world. These souless demon spawn of the cloven footed devil himself need to be wiped off the face of the earth once and for all (Artist conception below), but unfortunately and just smart enough to keep well hidden from our searching eyes. Why do they stay hidden? You may be asking. Because they are planning, little Billy, planning to eat you in the middle of the night.
Here's the thing with Velociraptors...they are smarter than zombies. Much smarter. Smart enough that I really just don't know what angle to take in preparing my defenses. Obviously a sword as a suitable weapon is out. I've never claimed to be too awful brave, and I'm sure as hell not brave enough to go up against a Velociraptor armed only with a Katana. They fight in pairs, in case you didn't know that. I'm not even sure if small arms are suitable. I need a submachine gun or something. The aircraft carrier could still work as a base of operations, but I think I'd rather leave the town. As fast as they are, they are a lot slower than zombie viruses. A fast car will get me out of there, and an internet connection will give me time to warn everyone west of here.

Except those slimy Republicans, I mean death-lizards probably arrived on the west coast, due to their origins in the Pacific (their eggs were smuggled in on a cargo boat by disreputable sailors looking to make a quick buck), which means I'll be on the tale end of their attack. And if they've made it all the way here, through all of the superb capabilities of the Department of Homeland Security, those left will be the best of the best. Darwinism works people. Frankly its quite possible that on a tactic/assault view, they are going to be smarter than me. My one weapon, once again, is the water. There are plenty of boats around here, including some quite nice yachts. I take one of those, load it up with supplies, and head for jolly old England, where I can recruit a ragtag army of expatriots to take back our country.

Except this feels like cowardice. I'd rather stay and fight, I just don't know how.

Suggestions?

Some Sais, or a Bo-staff at the very least.

So all around my house I have Hurricane Evacuation Route signs. What they don't have, however, are Zombie Evacuation routes. For the past 23 years this has never bothered me. My first 18 years I lived on a farm in a rural town--easily defendable and with a ready source of food. For the last 5 I lived at Purdue University, which had a vast network of tunnels easily converted as a makeshift base of operations, and 40,000 college students, who, as everyone knows, are well aware of the danger of a zombie horde outbreak. Now however I live in a large-ish urban area (100,000 people or so)--a ready food source for the zombie hordes, and with a population that is decidedly not college students. I doubt most of these people here even know how to decapitate a zombie with a Compact Disc, nor care to learn. They whittle away their days fishing for mackeral, and surfing. What this does mean for me, is that if--when--the Mindless Plague shows up, I could be in a position both to survive, and possibly lead the other survivors.

Right now my emergency plan--and keep in mind I've only had a few days to scout out the areas resources--would involve two possible actions. Worst comes to worst I hightail it to Folly Beach--only a few minutes away--and head to the pier. Assuming zombies can't swim, and I have yet to see any evidence that they can, I can cut off the access to the pier, use the boards for a cooking fire/smoke signals, and fish for survival. Obviously this is not a permanent solution for many reasons. First, fires on a wood pier are generally not a good idea. I mean I can use the tin roof to make a fire pit pretty easily...but still. Also from every movie I've seen, as soon as I'm lulled into a sense of safety, some zombies will have walked the bottom of the ocean and will climb up the anchors of the pier. Now I'm fucked out in the ocean rather on land. At least on land I can outrun a zombie.

So plan two. There is an old Aircraft carrier here, the USS Yorktown, which was created during WWII. As we all know, Nazi Germany was experimenting with zombies during WWII to create a super army (more proof). Knowing this, I'm sure the US Military outfitted all new war machines with anti-zombie defenses. If I can make it to the USS Yorktown, I can survive on the MREs I always keep in my trunk until help arrive. I'm assuming at least a few cadets from the Citadel will have the same idea as myself, and will try to make it to the carrier. Once this happens, we can decide on a course of action from there. Right now my problem is that I don't have much in the way of a weapon. Of course I always keep a baseball bat and tire iron in my trunk, but that's really going to tucker me out. It's much better to decapitate then to bash, as Grandpa Jimmy always used to say. I have always felt that a combat shotgun would be the best general defense, and I can keep that in my room, but when driving around I'm still unprotected. A gun won't work there because I'm afraid that I will be pulled over. I know the government has its eye out on me, and I dont' want to give those bastards a chance. A sword, however, I think is a pretty good weapon, combining the portability/no licensure of a baseball bat with the lethality of a shotgun.

I still need to think of a suitable plan of action if the plague hits while I'm at work. Any ideas?

Like every man's best dream and worst nightmare.

The ratio of girls to guys at the College of Charleston is 7:1. That's right, for every 8 people you see, only one will have an extra letter in their chromosonal alphabet (and according to spellcheck, chromosonal is not a word. If I can get 5 scholarly sources to use this in a publication, I can claim credit for a new word and get it in the oxford dictionary. Let's make this happen people!!!!). So you think that would be awesome if you are a charismatic, charming man, with roguishly good looks in the prime of his youth, right? Well so far school is not in session, so I can't make a full judgment yet, but I have my doubts.

See, first off its not just the college that is disproportionate, it is the whole city. When applying for housing, only one person I interviewed with was male. At the movie theaters, all the people behind the counters are women. All women bus drivers. Gas station attendants, librarians, hardware store workers. Fucking hardware store workers! You would think there would at least be some institutional gender-bias there!!

Anyway, here is my worry. Every girl I know who has lived with other women has told me that their...cycles...become in sync over time. Ok not every girl i know has told me that, because that would be way too many women freely offering up that unsolicited information, but you get the idea. Now, imagine an ENTIRE FUCKING CITY SYNCED UP AT ONCE!!!

Can you imagine the problems here? I haven't been in this city long enough, but I imagine sometime in the next 3 weeks I will step out onto a street one day, and I'll taste a change in the air. LIke that ozone taste that happens right before a big storm. I'll look around not knowing why I feel so tense. As I start to wander down the street, and arm will grab me from behind, and pull me into a well camoflaged dugout. "What the hell you doing out on the street?!" The unseen man will ask. "You want to get yourself killed? You know its not safe for another 5 days!"

Me being unprepared will then have to go without food, bathing, whatever for the next 5 days, only feeding at night when I can dash to dumpsters, only drinking the rain water I can collect, until I know its safe to venture back into the open.


On another note, this whole 9 to 5 thing is really weird. I get up in the morning, do the whole S.S.S. deal, go to work, come home...and then I have nothing to do. No pressing obligations. No papers to write, meetings to attend, professors to email. no stress. I don't know what to do with my life. Right now I've been catching up on TV shows, but at this rate I'll run out soon. Maybe for once I can actually read, write, play guitar, do all that stuff I used to do for fun. I'm going to have to reinvent my life.

It's exciting.

My 1st day.

Today was my first day of work. I've had lots of first days of work, but this one was different then the rest. Today was the first day on a job that functions as my sole income. No help from the parents, no college loans available, some government assistance but that's only because I'm in poverty. How much in poverty? Technically, according to the government, I make $0 annually. I'm a "volunteer" for Americorps VISTA, and I get a living stipend of $830 a month (that's poverty level + 5%), soon to be augmented by $150 in food stamps. (Skip ahead at this point to avoid boring math). My apartment costs $385 a month, so that brings me down to $445 a month. I'm hoping all groceries are covered by food stamps--if I can work that out, so food doesn't really bring me down much. I'm assuming about $150 for water, electricity, and cable internet--electricity will be expensive due to the constant AC (welcome to the South). That gives me a monthly budget of $295, if I did my math right. Shit, I forgot cell phone...$245. Lets say $50 in gas, even with a good bus service, so that puts me at $195 a month in spending money. If I ever want to visit home, a plane ticket, round trip, costs about 180. If I save $75 a month, I can come home about every 10 weeks. That means I have about $120 a month.

So that'll be a change from my past life style.

In all I'm really excited though. I have these really idealist, naive thoughts about the world, and how it should be ran, who should run it (me), and so on. For the most part those in power forget, if they ever knew, what its like to be an average person. I think feeling what its like to be much below average may make it stick in my head a little longer than average. I'll also be in a unique position of trying to alleviate poverty while living in those same conditions. Imagine if politicians had to live in the same conditions of those people whose laws they pass affect negatively? Before you can pass a law, say, denying children under the age of 10 healthcare, your children must live 2 years without you being able to provide for their physical well being.

Anyway...

About my job. I'll be working through VISTA with the College of Charleston, getting their Community Service segment of their Service Learning office off the ground. What that means is that I'll be identifying community needs, making community contacts with organizations that need help, and recruiting college students to volunteer. I'll be helping to "alleviate poverty" (VISTA's goal), more indirectly than many others, but I think the work I'll be doing will help me in pursuing a career in nonprofit work. My co-VISTA seems really friendly, and one of the office workers and her roommates are awesome. Let's see if I can start to make some connections here.

Most interesting fact of my life so far, at least to describe it:

My roommates are two women who met working at a coyote ugly type bar, one is a former lesbian surfer (currently surfer, former lesbian) and the other a professional body builder. That said they are two of the most completely normal, cool people I've met. But to describe them that way makes my life sound like an awesome fucking sitcom.

That's all for my first post.

-N

Oh yeah. The Dark Knight fucking rocked.