Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Awww, damnit!

So after my heterosexual lifemate, Brown Bear, read my blog he, concerned with my safety, pointed out that while the ever present threat of zombies is indeed something for which one should prepare, there are bigger threats out there. Global warming, airborne viral mutations, Bill O'Reilly, and the worst of all: Velociraptors. These slimy, scaly little bastards rarely see the light of day, instead choosing to spend their time in underground tunnels cunningly planning their attack on the good people of this world. These souless demon spawn of the cloven footed devil himself need to be wiped off the face of the earth once and for all (Artist conception below), but unfortunately and just smart enough to keep well hidden from our searching eyes. Why do they stay hidden? You may be asking. Because they are planning, little Billy, planning to eat you in the middle of the night.
Here's the thing with Velociraptors...they are smarter than zombies. Much smarter. Smart enough that I really just don't know what angle to take in preparing my defenses. Obviously a sword as a suitable weapon is out. I've never claimed to be too awful brave, and I'm sure as hell not brave enough to go up against a Velociraptor armed only with a Katana. They fight in pairs, in case you didn't know that. I'm not even sure if small arms are suitable. I need a submachine gun or something. The aircraft carrier could still work as a base of operations, but I think I'd rather leave the town. As fast as they are, they are a lot slower than zombie viruses. A fast car will get me out of there, and an internet connection will give me time to warn everyone west of here.

Except those slimy Republicans, I mean death-lizards probably arrived on the west coast, due to their origins in the Pacific (their eggs were smuggled in on a cargo boat by disreputable sailors looking to make a quick buck), which means I'll be on the tale end of their attack. And if they've made it all the way here, through all of the superb capabilities of the Department of Homeland Security, those left will be the best of the best. Darwinism works people. Frankly its quite possible that on a tactic/assault view, they are going to be smarter than me. My one weapon, once again, is the water. There are plenty of boats around here, including some quite nice yachts. I take one of those, load it up with supplies, and head for jolly old England, where I can recruit a ragtag army of expatriots to take back our country.

Except this feels like cowardice. I'd rather stay and fight, I just don't know how.

Suggestions?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well you see you just do what I always do....

You grab your shotgun...follow the raptor into the jungle, quietly of course, track it until it makes a stop and you can see her... then slowly and quietly load your gun....oh damn there is another one to your left its a TRAP! CLEVER GIRL......

Unknown said...

Ann Coulter has crazy eyes. If it wasn't so overt from her daily actions and, you know, what she says...this could also be a hint.


...Just an FYI Neil. Helping where I can, that's all.

Pat Boyle