This is the funniest picture I've ever seen on an internet ad.

Oh man! After undertaking the enormous responsibility of bringing a life into this world, I never thought I may have to plan for the future! Fortunately this picture of an unattended child in the middle of a cemetery really brought home the idea that perhaps life insurance--one of the most basic of all insurance that many have from the time they are a teenager--would be a good idea. Thank you random bawling child in the middle of a cemetery. BTW, where the fuck are your legal guardians now that your parents have kicked the bucket? Or did they not plan that far ahead? Maybe they only got their parenting advice from internet ads, and thought life insurance was all that's necessary. Why are you crying anyway? You have $500,000 coming to you. Now stfu with the crying. Be a man.

Also, wear a suit to a funeral.


Do you think the people who took this picture had to punch the kid to get those lifelike tears?
I can only hope.

And when I die...

I've always had two preferred ways to dispose of my mortal remains once I'm gone. One, the less preferable way, is to have my ashes shot into space. Yes, you can do it. There are companies that even have rockets (large ones too) set up at your 'burial' to put on a show. Don't believe me? Boom: http://www.memorialspaceflights.com/

The second, preferred method, is direct burial into the ground. I want some non degradable mementos buried with me, and then some sort of fruit bearing tree planted directly on top of me. That way, when my great grandkids are eating "Grandpa Neil's apple pie" they don't know how literal their actions are.

Now, thanks to Explosm, I have a third way, possibly even more preferable than the rocket method. The pirate treasure method.


Preferably a treasure map will be created and hidden in the archives of a library.

Also, I want a note hidden in the chest mocking any treasure hunter.

Other death wishes:

I want a party, a large one, as my wake.

I'm serious about the tree thing.

Purdue Galore

2 weeks until my visit to Indiana, and the stars are aligning. Why do I say this? Simple.

Yesterday I was up at 8 am. That's 'sleeping in' for me now. Sad, right? Anyway, I turn on the food network, as I am oft to do, and what is on, but this!



Ok, so a good way to start the day, right? Next stop, the farmers market, which started again this weekend. Because this was the first day of the year for the market, it was PACKED. Everything I needed or wanted was sold out. What's a guy to do, but go to a used bookstore and make the most of the day. Out on the sidewalk they had tables set up with $1 books.

And I found a first edition Penrod and Sam, by Booth Tarkington. Who's Booth Tarkington, you are asking? Only the second coolest author to have a Residence Hall named after him at Purdue University! That is--this one. Who is the coolest author to have a Residence Hall named after him at Purdue, you may be asking? Robert Owen of course, for 3 reasons.

1. He termed the coin 'Dinosaur.' (I think.)
2. His dad was Robert Owen, certified badass.
3. He himself was a certified badass, as evident from his statue at Purdue. A picture of which, I can't find.


It's Easter today. No church for me, but I am going used book shopping. That counts as some sort of worship, right?

One more thing, regarding the video of the Triple XXX. Was it just me, or was the owner the worst story teller ever on TV? Surely you had some time to prepare. Hell, make up some stories, ask the customers. I sure as hell could tell you a much better story about Triple XXX.

What's that? You want to hear it?

OK.

So there I was, knee deep.

It was freshman year, and Levi, myself, and my roommate had just gone to some sort of comedy show. We decided to hit up the Triple XXX. This was before my roommate stopped bathing, so I didn't mind spending time with him.

It's about 1 am, and we had just ordered. These two drunk, older middle aged men (50 - 60) came in with their sober wives. They sat right across from me and struck up some conversation. One of them, Dave (?) struck up a conversation with everyone there. The other one, however, just stared at me. Not for a short time--no, his eyes never left me. Even his wife noticed and tried to get him to stop. No go. After about 10 uncomfortable minutes, during which I tried to ignore him, he finally yelled at me "Your parents hate you!"
Wife: "Now George, stop that!"
George: "Get that fucking thing out of your eye!"--It should be noted here that I had an eyebrow ring at the time.

I said something along the lines of my parents don't give a shit.

George: Bullshit they don't! Get that shit out of your eye or I'm going to rip it out of there for you!

By this time the restaurant was pretty quiet. Or at least as quiet as the Triple XXX gets.
He then proceeded to explain how my parents hate my eyebrow ring, and until I remove it I'll be a disgrace in their eyes.

Me: So do you have a tattoo?
George's wife: OOOH!! He's got you there!!
George: That's fucking different! My tattoo means something to me! Get that shit out of your eye right now!

He started to get up out of his chair, at which point Dave--who had been schmoozing with the customers the whole time, came over and calmed him down. It turns out the 2 couples were celebrating because Dave's wife, who had Leukemia, had just gotten her latest round of test results back. She was leukemia free. Because of her meds though, she still wasn't able to drink.

Dave bought me, then everyone in the restaurant dinner. And George, while continuing to stare at me, finally gave up his threats of 'ripping that shit out of your eye.' I avoided him on my way out, however.

Short bursts of updates

I'm working on a longish (for a blog, anyway) essay on my generation's tendency to sublimate academic rigor into passionate reactionary tendencies. My ability to do this is being directly blocked by the internet and my need to eat meals. Until I can finish it, I thought I'd post some quick life updates.

The last few weeks have been crazy busy!

The Monday before St. Patrick's day saw my old SR, Kathleen, visiting Charleston with her little sister. We hit the town and I wasn't back in bed until 4 am. It had been a long, long time since I've done something like that. The next morning I had a meeting at 7 am. Yup, 2 hours of sleep. Also, Laila (!) came to visit that next day! She was driving to Myrtle Beach for her spring break from NASA. I got one day of peace after that, but then she stopped by on her way back in. Needless to say I was more than a bit tired, but sleep was not to be had.

Two days later I drove down to southern Georgia to visit my parents on their vacation. They came to Charleston just a few days later and wined and dined me. I finally got to try some of the culinary fare that makes Charleston the greatest American culinary destination, bar none. I've dined in most major American cities, and most of the major western countries. I've experienced escargot in Paris, and Nathan's Franks in NYC. This was the best. I can also now say I've dined in the same restaurant as George Washington once dined. It goes along with my goal of participating in the action for which an historical building was constructed. This is not often possible, but fortunately Charleston is quite an open city for this type of experience. Usually this means worshiping in historic churches, so a restaurant was a nice change of pace.

The last day my parents were here, Brandon and Amber came for a long weekend. I wish the weather was a bit better for their experience, but I'm glad they came nonetheless.

Friday we hit the town, saw an impromptu fashion show, hit all my favorite bars, and then ended up in a strip club at 3 am. I don't remember much at all of the club. I do remember their toilets were surprisingly clean. This is good when you have to hug one for an extended period of time.

Somehow I was the one too drunk to function, but Amber was the person too hungover to do anything the next day.

We saw I Love You, Man. Typical comedy, but Paul Rudd's performance is remarkable. You don't expect much dedication towards craft in a comedy like that, but...really he did a good job. It was also interesting that the comedy avoided the typical raunchiness associated with bromances. The sex jokes were pushed onto the female side characters, and the two male protagonists discussed topics of vulnerability, commitment, love. It was an interesting twist.

Right now I'm constructing a Beeker costume for my APRIL 25TH VISIT TO INDIANA!!! I-Bash, Breakfast Club, and maybe even a job interview thrown in for good measure.

This month I get an extra paycheck. While half of this has already been used to purchase my airplane ticket, and a lot will be used on my trip, I still think this means I won't have to worry as much about money this month. In May I've been offered a week of dogsitting. They pay $50 a night. That's essentially another paycheck, this time without expensive travel plans. June I have a gig that's paying 1500 in cash. July I'm done. In other words, money troubles are hopefully finished. At least until this gig ends and I'm jobless.

Speaking of which...if you know of anyone hiring for July. Let me know.

Chelsea's coming this Monday. I've been counting towards this day since January. It will honestly be the highlight of the year. Although it's her birthday while she's here. So...no pressure to show her a good time.

Law/Grad school plans still up in the air. Blech. I'm lazy. I haven't even filed/looked at my tax forms yet.

Patrick's a cockbag. No reason for saying this. I just know he reads regularly.

Hmm. Yeah ok, I think that's the end of the newsfeed.

Oh yeah! Last Friday marks the 15 week countdown until my last day. Tomorrow marks the 90 day countdown. Can you tell I'm excited. Yup. I've loved this experience, love AmeriCorps and all it represents. Hate my program.

Congratulations to ANY Vermonter who wants to get married. 46 more states to go...