Life will smash you in the face!

Outside of the basic essential in life, there are 2 things every guy in the world needs. A sword, or a very large knife if this is impossible, and friends that will stomp you on the nuts with their fun. Unless you can go out for a few drinks and plan to be back by a little after midnight and instead you wake up at 2 pm the next day with a black eye, a sore throat, 34 cents in cash, blistered feet sans one toe, and it now burns to pee, oh dear Lord what was in that pipe, did I really pee on a hells angel's muffler, why does that Jane keep on looking at me funny? Then you don't have the right fucking friends! Everyone can find some people to share your feelings with and lean on for support, but there are only so many people out there who will share your same propensity for a complete disregard for personal safety after 15 mixed drinks at a house party where the house doesn't have an actual floor, just kind of a dirt concrete base, and the stairs have certain ones you have need to skip unless you know your tetanus booster is up to date. If you can find the toilet seat I wouldn't recommend using it.

So there I was, knee deep. It's a Friday night and I'm getting pizza at a joint that has what looks like penises as door handles (they claim its a mushroom) and I'm drinking a mixed drink that tastes like heaven and is called a Samuel Jackson (recipe: Orange Juice, Triple Sec, Gin, Lysergic acid diethylamide, and garnished with a monkey's thyroid). Who walks in and sits down at my table, but the girl I was supposed to live with, who kind of jerked me around and made me feel like I was going to be homeless for my first month in Charleston (I'm not bitter, that' just how it was. She's a nice person). She's, from what I gathered, kind of dating one of the guys I was hanging out with. We'll call him Matt, since that's his name.

At this point I want to say that I've seen the Dark Knight twice now. The Academy needs to collect every best actor award ever given, plus all the awards coming up, and melt them down into one giant fucking Oscar to be given to Heath Ledger's family. Al Pacino can keep his.

After slamming some Sammy Jacks, we-skipping the fun, yet not fun to read next 8 hours--drink until 5 am. Sunrise #1.

I wake up at 1 pm, take a nap at 2. Run to the beach and back. Then get ready for round 2.

Nine pm I am drinking in a fucking church! Under a stained glass window, with the good Lord, I'm assuming, smiling down on us. Two hours later I'm in this pub with a band playing acoustic jam covers of Kanye West. By the way, this whole night was a going away event for a coworker. She gets the band to hand out tequila shots, which means I'm pissing in public tonight, and probably saying inappropriate things to people I don't know. We find out that the girl who is going away has never done a certain thing most college students try once. We'll call it Picking Out a Toothbrush. Well fortunately one of my posse's brothers happened to have a bag of toothbrushes (Sorry Mom), so we head over to his house. Now generally when I'm brushing my teeth, I feel like someone's shoved a wood file down my esophagus and have filled my eyes with superglue. It also feels like I can shoot cold fire out of my hands, so you know, it's a trade off. This stuff however was slightly less abrasive than oxygen.

Best thing about this particular blend of toothbrushes, my feet became supercharged. You know how in sonic the hedgehog you can hold the down button and he'll start running in place really quickly, then when you release its all chariots of fire and shit? It was like that. Then, then, then, a guy JUMPS OVER ANOTHER PERSON. I don't know if that really sinks in from the words, so I've recreated the scene below:


I bet you aren't making fun of my supercharged feet now!

Alright, I haven't had food in 20 hours. Peace.